It took 97 pages of research for Republicans to figure out the GOP needs a makeover that makes Dick Cheney look like Kate Upton.

In the wake of losing its fifth presidential popular vote in the past six election cycles, Republicans finally saw the need to change their image — if they ever hope to win back the federal government — and the recent Republican National Convention “autopsy” report calls for just that.

Republicans are still pushing policies like it’s the Reagan era and hasn’t changed since the former president was behind the Resolute Desk 24 years ago.

If you don’t believe me, believe the Republican focus group that created the report who said the same thing.

Even the word “conservative” suggests a resistance to change.

Republicans have long been stereotyped as a party who is “out of touch” and made up of “stuffy, old men.” After nominating John McCain and Mitt Romney in the past two elections, it’s hard to deny that.

According to the report, public perception of the party is at record lows.

“The Republican Party needs to stop talking to itself. We have become expert in how to provide ideological reinforcement to like-minded people, but devastatingly we have lost the ability to be persuasive with, or welcoming to, those who do not agree with us on every issue,” the report said.

In the past six presidential elections, four have gone to the Democratic nominee, at an average margin of 327 electoral votes to 211. During the preceding two decades, Republicans won five out of six elections, averaging 417 electoral votes to Democrats’ 113.

But how does this report suggest Republicans repair their broken image?

Reduce the number of caucuses and debates.

Excuse me, what?

So now the RNC doesn’t want a proper vetting for the possible leader of the free world? Is it so afraid that fighting within its own party will bring down candidates?

The report wants Republicans to water down their campaigns and policies under the guise of claiming the main problem with their party is a lack of cohesion among candidates.

Basically, don’t talk too much because you might put your foot in your mouth, or worse, you might harm the party’s only chance of actually winning the election.

Bashing Democrats has become so mundane for the GOP they no longer see the difference between a Democrat and a Republican who doesn’t have the exact same views.

The report also suggests a complete facelift on how to approach policies during campaigns — something that enraged many staunch conservatives and will undoubtedly create more divides.

The main idea behind the new policy push is for a more inclusive party — a focus on reaching out to minorities and the LGBT community to prove Republicans don’t hate them.

Romney received record lows in minority voting in the 2012 election in part due to his stance on “self-deportation” for illegal immigrants.

This I actually agree with.

According to the report, Americans under 30 have begun using social issues like same-sex marriage as a sort of litmus test for their votes.

What a shock, Americans who don’t have much stock in fiscal policy put the majority of their trust in social issues and in another 20 years those same people don’t switch loyalties.

If Republicans continue to at least appear to be attacking minorities, soon no one with a heavy tan will vote for them.

However, not all right wingers stand in line with the harsh report.

On his radio show, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh claimed the reason for his party’s recent failures has been a lack of conservatism — citing the Tea Party as a model for the big party picture.

“They think they’ve gotta rebrand and it’s all predictable,” Limbaugh said. “They gotta reach out to minorities. They gotta moderate their tone here and moderate their tone there. And that’s not at all what they’ve gotta do. The Republican Party lost because it’s not conservative.”

Of course, the man who just dismissed the need to reach out to minorities also admits to not having even read the report in the previous sentence.

Republicans need a facelift, hell, all of Washington needs a facelift.

It’s bad enough that our two-party system has begun to fail us and nothing can get done, but now the individual parties can’t even agree on something.

Maybe that’s what Republicans need to do if they ever want to win back the White House.

Actually agree on something.

Mike Gegenheimer is a 20-year-old mass communication sophomore from New Orleans.