“I love traffic!” said no one, ever.

Except, maybe, one of the engineers on the joint city-state project that recently added a traffic signal at the corner of West Parker Boulevard and Burbank Drive.

Traffic lights lead to traffic. And now there are four signals at four consecutive intersections — a nearly idiot-proof recipe for angry drivers, wrecks and horn-honking symphonies.

Signals monitor and inevitably impede traffic flow where Burbank intersects with Nicholson Drive, West Parker, East Boyd Drive and finally, Jennifer Jean Drive, when traveling south. 

A Louisiana Department of Transportation and Development public information officer told me last fall that the West Parker signal would not be turned on until the East Boyd signals had been removed. 

Instead, we now have a light show that needs only a disco ball and some fog dispensers to morph into an all-out street rave during rush hour.

The recent addition seems to be in direct controversy with the second paragraph of the DOTD’s own Traffic Signal Manual.

It reads: “Traffic control signals are often considered a panacea for all traffic problems at intersections. This belief has led to traffic control signals being installed at many locations where they are not needed, adversely affecting the safety and efficiency of vehicular, bicycle and pedestrian traffic.”

Let me address the hypocrisy of each of these issues.

Sure, the light allows traffic that backs up along West Parker to turn left with a significantly reduced risk of being slammed in the side by a jacked-up F-350. But it also fails to protect drivers turning left from Burbank onto West Parker. This backs up cars well past Walk-On’s Bistreaux & Bar on a daily basis.

The area basically becomes one continuous parking lot.

The second issue deals with bicycle safety.

To any bikers wishing to travel along Burbank, please, for the love of God, stay off the accident-prone section of road between Nicholson and Jennifer Jean. If the people protected by metal shells are in imminent danger at every unprotected left turn, a helmet will only serve as the difference between vegetable and corpse.

I have driven past more banged-up, curb-stricken vehicles at the East Boyd intersection than probably anywhere else in this heavy-traffic-infected city.

Thirdly, the statement warns of signals that create unsafe pedestrian issues.

For now, it’s a game where the cars are sledgehammers, and the pedestrians are the furry rodents from Whack-A-Mole.

And when you throw in the removal of the light at East Boyd, things only seems to get worse.

Motorists trying to cross Burbank on East Boyd, if the light is removed and two stop signs are installed as planned, will have a much better chance sending a fellow passenger out into Burbank traffic carrying the stop sign themselves. 

When it comes to solutions, few exist — at least for now.

Protecting drivers needing to turn left onto West Parker and East Boyd would probably create an even worse traffic snafu, while undoubtedly decreasing the amount of car wrecks.

The one and only reasonable solution seems to be the addition of a fifth lane on Burbank, a turning lane that would stretch from Jennifer Jean to Nicholson. This would allow the flow of traffic to continue north and south, while giving turners a safe place to wait without clogging up the roadway.

Until then, frustrated residents, grab your rifles while you have them.

This is war.

Ben Wallace is a 21-year-old mass communication senior from Tyler, Texas.