This is what I should have done every day for the past four years instead of coming to school: Wake up, eat some sprinkled donuts, set a $50 bill on the front porch and cry a little bit as I watch it slowly drift away.
That way, at least my tuition and fees expenses could have made some lucky fellow relatively wealthy on a daily basis, instead of providing me with a degree in the most worthless profession of all, newspaper reporting.
Yep. It’s the worst. Newspaper reporter ranked dead last on a list published by CareerCast of the 200 Best and Worst Jobs in 2013, behind the likes of taxi drivers, trash collectors, the mouse at Chuck E. Cheese and circus freaks.
But that wasn’t my real concern. I love my work.
The first thing I thought when I saw the list was, “What the heck is an actuary?” Besides, obviously, someone who has the best job in the world (No. 1 on the list).
“Actuaries put a dollar value on risk,” said Lawrence Smolinsky, the director of the actuarial science concentration in the mathematics department.
Oooohhhhh. I get it. They tell my insurance provider that my premiums should cost more when I go bungee jumping in Costa Rica or if I consume the Heart Attack Grill’s Triple Bypass Burger more than once in 10 lifetimes.
Smolinsky said actuaries have great lives — good working conditions, low stress and high pay — basically the exact opposite of newspaper reporting jobs.
What’s my major again?
Then Smolinsky reminded me why I’m in journalism and not math.
First, actuaries must basically master economics and finance in addition to a handful of sophisticated mathematics courses, such as probability, interest theory and the oxymoronic elementary stochastic processes (what?). And then, assuming they don’t go mad, they must pass a series of five exams to earn the most basic of actuarial certifications.
It’s not a profession for the weak-willed.
Because I’m graduating in less than three weeks, I missed my chance to enroll in most of the required coursework.
Shucks.
But just in case the whole reporter thing falls through, I had to find a way to secure some background work in actuarial science — after all, it is the best job in the world.
I quickly set out on a quest to gain some real world experience.
One of the classes, probability, or MATH 3355, focuses on emphasizing concrete problems and applications.
To catch up on what I missed, I journeyed out to a run-down part of the city and found some cracked sidewalks.
They had me stumped until I whipped out my pocket-sized jackhammer, busted up the bad boys in 50 short hours, filled them with fresh concrete and then spread it out nice and smooth. Handprints sealed the deal. Problem solved.
As for one of the other courses, I already knew mathematical statistics, or MATH 4056, would be a piece of cake. Part of the course description includes studying “regression” — and by default, my choice of study made me a pro.
Plus, I’ve seen “Along Came Polly” at least twice, maybe even thrice, and if Ben Stiller can perform actuarial duties, then really, how hard can it be?
Freshly equipped with the skills for the world’s best job, I felt a new surge of confidence that inspired me to write this column, combining my most employable and unemployable skills into one confused creation.
Who’s ready for the real world?
