We can now see the once-forbidden North Korea up close and personal, and it’s not as sexy as we’d hoped.

Google Executive Chairman Eric E. Schmidt visited the communist dictatorship three weeks before the satellite images were released. He claimed his visit was a personal trip where he urged North Korean officials to lessen Internet restrictions for their citizens, which was reported by The New York Times six days ago. 

North Korea is an anomaly, and by anomaly, I mean they’re cat-shit crazy.

I feel bad for saying it, because it’s not their fault. But it’s true. 

They’ve been brainwashed by years of Onion-worthy propaganda news, and they have no knowledge outside of that. 

Don’t leave your homes this week, the forecast calls for a 96 percent chance of flaming swan farts, and it will be incredibly dangerous to be outside. 

Sincerely us, The North Korean government. 

Not only is the citizenry severely ill-informed, but every North Korean is raised to hate America. They absolutely hate us. 

If the Ku Klux Klan and al-Qaida had hate sex and made a hate baby, it would be any given North Korean. They are certified fire and brimstone haters. 

Who knows, they may just be pretending for the sake of conformity, in which case, they all deserve Golden Globes. 

North Korea suffered a severe drought during the mid-’90s, and the U.S. contributed more food and relief money than any other nation. 

It’s estimated at least 2.5 million North Koreans were killed during the drought, according to US News. 

Then, North Korea’s government said the aid was a gift from the dear leader Kim Jong-il, from beyond the grave, and gives them food paid for by the American taxpayers. This was all while spouting a message of hate and calling for America’s destruction.

There is also a notable height difference between North and South Koreans, with the malnourished Northerners being several inches shorter on average. 

Monday, KCNA, North Korea’s state-run news agency, announced that a poem entitled “For My Only Motherland” was popular among North Korean people, which is kind of like saying yellow stars are fashionable among Jews. 

Of course they like the poem; if they don’t love it, they get sent to a labor camp. 

The release of the satellite images will only further enlighten the world as the extent of North Korea’s human rights abuses. 

By the way, you can see the labor camps, labeled as “gulags,” on Google Maps. They’re outlined in gray, and have already been trolled.

Specific buildings have been labeled “Guards’ Restroom” and some even have reviews, which allow for future visitors to the gulag to know in advance just which Dairy Queen is the good Dairy Queen. 

Perhaps the scariest thing about the North Korean psyche is that they’re hell-bent on reunification with the South. Basically, they want war. 

If for some reason the North Koreans decide to knuckle up and see what Uncle Sam’s made of, they won’t last long. That’s not patriotism talking, just common sense. 

We have way more guns, cash and friends. 

Even China, North Korea’s biggest ally, would side with the U.S. in a war with the North, for sheer sake of business. 

Ideologically, China and North Korea both love Peeping Tom-style government, but we buy way more Chinese goods and we owe them a phat stack, which I’m sure they’d like to collect. 

Money trumps ideology every time. It’s about time Kim Jong-Un realizes the world doesn’t care for 28 to 30-year-old dictators.