If you are a college-aged male, you’ve probably considered donating sperm a time or ten.
And why not? Men produce gallons of the stuff for tissues, toilets and trash cans every day — free of charge.
And occasionally, if we’re lucky, for an actual woman.
But what about the sperm banks? Where are they getting their sperm if the majority of men only produce and never bottle?
The answers may surprise you.
According to the Donor Sibling Registry, a U.S. non-profit that assists offspring of sperm and egg donations in finding their biological parents, store-bought man milk may be the best way to go.
Of sperm donors, 44 percent attended college and 39 percent hold graduate degrees, according to DSR. Forty-eight percent of donors also have full-time jobs.
But here’s the kicker — a whopping 40 percent of sperm donors are full-time students.
I don’t know about you, but if I was a woman seeking strange sperm, I would make damn sure it wasn’t coming from a college campus, pun intended.
Just from a nutritional standpoint, I would not trust student sperm. Have you seen what we eat? Have you seen how we spend our days?
Imagine (if necessary) you are a lazy, college male. You are a full-time student, which means you go to school at least 12 hours a week. How you spend those other 156 hours, only your Internet history will tell.
We’re already off to an impeccable start. Now, this particular male lives on a diet consisting of Jack in the Box tacos, Caniacs, and an impressive concoction of drugs and alcohol.
In the downtime between a Nazi Zombie tournament ending and a FIFA tournament beginning, he decides to make a quick buck and send his soldiers abroad.
OK, all my single ladies, it’s decision time. Do you really want this guy’s sperm turning into your baby, transforming inside you like a fetal Optimus Prime?
As responsible consumers, we should know where everything we buy comes from, up to and including a stranger’s sperm.
I understand that sperm donation centers put donors through rigorous background checks and testing, but if 40 percent are full-time students, there will be more than a few bad batches.
As far as the ethics behind donating a bodily fluid for cash, I don’t care. If you donate sperm or plasma on a regular basis, admit it, you’re a whore. Which is fine, nobody’s judging (we’re all too busy laughing), but just admit it.
If you want to sell your body, which is exactly what happens at sperm and blood banks, far be it from anyone to stop you.
But I don’t think students, on the whole, are responsible enough to be trusted to donate sperm. That sperm could eventually become a living, breathing person, and while you may never meet them, your practices now could have a serious effect on that person’s life.
Addiction is hereditary. So if you’re perpetually in the gutter, keep your sperm to yourself.
