LSU is a place of mystery and intrigue with a colorful history and a strange institution at present. But if the students and the U.S. Department of Homeland Security do not act quickly, there may be no future. The time to fight is here, Tigers. The University has been infiltrated. They’re here.
Lizard-like humans or human-like lizards — it won’t matter once their species subdues ours — have been spotted lurking among the stately oaks at LSU and leaving signs of their presence all over the campus. For too long, the University leadership has overlooked key indicators of the onset of a reptilian-led apocalypse. Either those in control are oblivious, or maybe those mere humans are being controlled. That is, if they are human at all.
This would explain the prolonged overhaul of the College of Art and Design. The creatures currently inhabit the art buildings. It makes sense because of the cool, damp and musky atmosphere within the dimly lit hallways of its confines.
Part of the ceiling in the ceramics studio fell last year. The interviews printed in The Daily Reveille regarding the disaster were not completely disclosed. A student, who will remain anonymous for fear of becoming the breakfast for some cold-blooded carnivore, noted a loud hissing noise before the tile fell, followed by a glimpse of what appeared to be a large green tail.
It is suspected that the non-indigenous Lizardousalmoustushumanist are feeding off the vast squirrel population at night. A blood smear that still lingers on the exterior wall of Middleton Library next to what appears to be a splatter of feces is all that is left of our beloved albino squirrel. To put it politely, the sudden attack must have prompted a sudden bowel movement from the fearful rodent. The adorable white squirrel that was once considered a sign of good luck is no more.
The species is rather large in size and extremely vicious-looking. Imagine Barney, the big purple dinosaur, merged with Predator and fueled by his insatiable thirst for warm blood, as opposed to singing children’s songs and making macaroni sculptures. These abominations wish to devour the children and spare the macaroni according to their Twitter account.
@DaBombDiggityLizard tweeted last week, “I wish to devour children and spare the macaroni.”
These guys mean business.
This explains the reasoning behind poor campus security at night. Those who vowed to protect and serve are frightened of these gnarly beasts, and rightfully so. This means those authorized to carry firearms on campus are much too shaken to utilize their weapon for defensive purposes. In what could possibly be the start of an Orson Welles-type end to the world, maybe it’s time to start looking to students to go through the proper motions to arm themselves.
Just as Superman is weakened by Kryptonite, the lizard-esque terrors are deathly allergic to cigarette smoke and highly susceptible to its effects from distances as far as 3 miles, according to the highly cited and reputable Wikipedia. Should a complete elimination of smoking privileges on LSU’s campus be implemented, it could mean mass annihilation of the human race. This is a fear much greater than the initial worries of having one’s head chewed off by an angst-filled smoker prohibited from taking a drag off a Camel during finals week.
The evidence is clear and undeniable. The end is nigh unless immediate action is taken to crush these invaders that continue to trouble, complicate and strike fear into the hearts of men and small mammals alike.
However, the only things to fear are fear itself and the poor job market that awaits aspiring graduates. We can send the lizard scum back to where they came from by completely renovating the Studio Arts Building. The creature’s hatred for humanities is clear in their stance on macaroni sculptures. Let those who wish to light up — if they must — do so. Increase night security on campus to assure the vermin aren’t sticking around for late night strolls.
If the task at hand proves to be a failure, there will be no more “Forever LSU” and the chant should be altered to “Temporarily LSU.” Stand with me, my fellow peers and let’s show those wretched reptilians what the Fightin’ Tigers are all about.
Justin Stafford swears he’s not a lizard-person.