I’m sure some LSU students would rather have their fingernails ripped out than admit to having anything in common with a student from the University of Alabama.
But while we have a limited number of shared interests, there is one issue that means as much to the us as it does to them — we love our Quad squirrels.
Earlier this month, students in the Studioless Arts course at the University of Alabama protested on their campus to save the squirrels living and playing in the school’s Quad by handing out T-shirts and buttons to raise awareness on the matter, as well as promoting the hashtag #SAVETHEQUADSQUIRRELS.
Most of us know what occurs after giving a moose a muffin, but do you know what happens when you give a squirrel malt liquor? Well, it dies.
The flier passed out at the University of Alabama noted that a total of 20 percent of Quad squirrels die from alcohol poisoning. This is just one statistic brought to light during the protests explaining the untimely demise of the furry critters.
According to the flier, 41 percent of Quad squirrels are injured in gang fights, most likely because the cheap booze makes them angry and hypes up their little egos. Also, about 78 percent of Quad squirrels “are slaughtered in the ongoing groundhog war.”
Not to mention, with a gimp leg from quarrelling with neighboring squirrel gangs and slurred vision from the remnants of some tailgater’s 40 oz. beverage, the animals seem to forget to look both ways before scurrying across the grass.
Roughly 30 percent of squirrel deaths in the Quad are because of being run over by lawn mowers.
Other causes noted in the Alabama protests for the earthly departure of the Quad squirrels include second-hand smoke, suicide due to unrequited love, litter consumption and being beaten to death during pledge season.
LSU students need to make sure our beloved squirrels are considered and cared for before our population numbers begin to dwindle. Here are some ideas as to what we can do.
First, counseling and rehabilitation facilities need to be created to help the squirrels overcome their addiction. Alcoholism in Quad squirrels is on the rise. But then, if I were a squirrel at Alabama, I’d probably take to hitting the bottle regularly just
to tolerate the place.
Also, tossing a bottle containing alcohol into the trash cans our squirrels search for their next snack is dangerous. The beer-soaked apple core it finds and
devours may just be its last meal.
Finally, we as students are only aiding in the gang rivalry among the multitude of squirrels.
We have designated the albino squirrel as superior and, by doing so, generated inequality among his fellow species.
The constant violent conflicts among the squirrel population for reputation, power and turf are large contributors to the shrinking numbers.
I am also positive that no one has ever given the squirrels a memo detailing what day the grounds will be mowed. If we give the little guys a heads up, perhaps they could keep their heads attached.
These are simple solutions that we can all aid in. Let’s show our Quad squirrels the love and respect that they need to ensure they’ll always be there to entertain students on their walk to class.
Justin Stafford is a 21-year-old mass communication senior from Walker, Louisiana. You can reach him on Twitter @j_w_stafford.