The never-ending attacks of the woke mob have reached a new low. Not even our favorite brand mascots are safe.
In a Jan. 21 segment, Tucker Carlson—America’s favorite Swanson-stepchild-turned-populist pundit—spoke about the Mars Corporation’s decision to revise their M&M mascots to make them more inclusive. The green M&M will trade her “sexy boots” for “frumpy shoes” and the brown M&M will trade her stilettos for block heels.
“M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and deeply androgynous until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them,” Carlson said. “Once you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity.”
Tucker Carlson exposing M&M’s, like a modern Paul Revere, gives America an early warning about the progressive assault on our beloved corporate images. The modern age will topple mascot after mascot. Our classic, at times awkwardly-adult branding from our most banal products will be a thing of the past.
Imagine that future. The Brawny man will ditch his flannel in a forest for a graphic tee in a coffee shop. The Chiquita banana woman will don a pantsuit. The Michelin Man will put on pants. Mrs. Butterworth might even get divorced.
We are not our Puritan forebearers; we are red-blooded Americans. We want to see Mr. Clean seductively shake his butt. We want to see more mascots like Schick razor robots with masculine, muscle-like limbs or feminine bosoms because it is our right to needlessly sexualize inanimate objects and nonexistent characters.
Like Carlson said, why would I even consider buying a product if I can’t see myself having a cocktail with its brand mascot? After all, consumers are just lumbering homunculi. It’s not like we have the capacity to feel more than our base instincts.
The anger of the M&M’s rebrand is not just a media pundit overreacting to boost ratings or a company virtue signaling through its fictional, anthropomorphic chocolate dollops to sell more candy.
No, it is a flat-out assault on American life.
Drake Brignac is a 21-year-old political communication and political science senior from Baton Rouge.