Americans need to understand that improvements to healthcare, social programs and other pie-in-the-sky nonsense are simply impossible. Instead, we should be realistic and demand that our taxpayer dollars go to creating weapons from cartoons.
I can already hear the typing of comments from the communists who think we should spend our money “helping our most vulnerable” instead of “destroying other countries.” These same critics say that the recently passed $778 billion military budget was excessive, especially after withdrawing our troops from Afghanistan. 
These criticisms are childish.
The U.S. is running out of traditional avenues for military spending. That’s why our leaders need to draw inspiration from the true military masterminds of our time: cartoon characters.
For example, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, the evil scientist character from the cartoon “Phineas and Ferb,” invented the “bread-inator,” a laser with the capability to turn anything it hits into bread.
Making this dream a reality should be a no-brainer for the armed forces. This invention could be used to transform all the food at an enemy base camp into bread. Imagine the destruction it would cause to enemy soldiers’ diets, especially soldiers with gluten allergies.
Notorious weapons expert Wile E. Coyote from “The Looney Tunes” has shown the world the future of warfare. Though the running theme of his segment is that his plans never work, the outline for a successful strategy is evident.
If the U.S. were invaded, one could easily imagine a scenario in which the American military lures its rivals into the Arizona desert and drops an anvil the size of Rhode Island on their heads. The fact that this defense plan isn’t already in place is baffling. 
America could also take inspiration from the popular sci-fi comedy “Rick and Morty.” In the show, Rick Sanchez invents a portal gun, a device with the ability to teleport people and objects to other locations.
If the invention was ever actualized, the military could use it to create a portal under the enemy’s feet and set the destination to 100 feet deep in the ocean. Every battle would be that easy if the American military got serious about weapons development. 
Detractors may point to the historical failures of massive military investments to refute my proposals, the most famous example being the Lockheed Martin F-35 Lightning II, a fighter jet meant to revolutionize combat but was ultimately never able to achieve its goals due to hang-ups. The plane had issues with reliability, landing on aircraft carriers and vulnerability to lightning strikes. Unpatriotic Americans say that this $1.5 trillion was too much to spend on this project. 
I’m sure these cynical numbskulls have never imagined the possibility that the military was using these fighters for classified missions in which getting a plane struck down would be a useful tool for distraction. Alternatively, the jet could’ve been used to conduct experiments on electricity. Would critics have similar opinions on the famed electrical experiments of Benjamin Franklin? I think not.
Even with the obvious usefulness of the project, some believe the money would have been better spent on social programs. What these people fail to realize is that the most vulnerable among us should simply make more money. Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps. Personally, I am currently typing this article using telepathy because both hands are busy suspending myself above my computer by pulling on my bootstraps.
President Joe Biden, if you’re reading this, please act on my urgent proposal. 
Frank Kidd is a 20-year-old mass communication junior from Springfield.