Attending practice, working out, passing class and beating Alabama is a busy schedule. LSU offensive linemen do it all while eating enough food to make most people sick.
I decided to follow an offensive lineman’s diet for a day to see just how hard it is to eat as much food as them.
Offensive linemen can eat up to 6,000 calories in a day depending on the athlete and how much they are moving and working out, according to LSU sports nutritionist Dr. Matt Frakes. They also try to eat around one gram of protein for every pound that they weigh.
Dr. Frakes gave me a hypothetical diet of an offensive lineman, which I used as a guideline to create my day of eating.
I tweaked some things to account for my cooking skills (or lack thereof) and budget (or lack thereof). The goal was to hit close to 5,500 calories and 300 grams of protein in a day without throwing up or expanding and floating away like the lady at the beginning of the third Harry Potter movie.
I started off the day with a big breakfast. I did not have mixed fruit and did not want to eat a big snack later, so I upped the pancake count to get it all in at once. This was a mistake.
The first four pancakes go down well, but once you get into pancake numbers five through seven you stop liking pancakes.
After a quick break where I made sure to hydrate plenty, it was time to get ready for a workout. LSU players are eating this much when they have practices and workouts, so I had to do the same.
I had a Rice Krispie Treat, a protein drink and a water bottle with pre-workout and headed to the gym. I expected to feel awful, but the break and the ride to the gym gave me time to recover and I was able to move around fine.
Following the gym, it was time for a post-workout Rice Krispie Treat and to pick up the second meal of the day: a Chipotle burrito bowl with extra chicken.
This burrito bowl made me never want to eat again. This burrito bowl made me want to boycott Chipotle. This burrito bowl made me wish both bowls and burritos were never invented.
After slogging through more chicken and cheese than I ever want to see again for the rest of my life, it was time to nap and think about if it was too late to think of a different story idea.
Next, it was time for a couple granola bars and workout number two: climbing. At this point in the day, I was six pounds heavier than I was when I woke up. This meant I was doing weighted training like an anime character, but the weights were in my stomach.
Luckily, I only had a snack and dinner left to go after climbing. I ate four servings of breaded chicken breast (it’s just chicken nuggets but it sounds healthier this way) and then I had time to take another break before working on dinner.
Dinner was shrimp alfredo with 18 shrimp (Yes, I counted. I was not eating more than I had to), a lot of pasta and entirely too much alfredo sauce. This was even harder to get down than the burrito bowl.
I struggled so bad with this meal I had to take a halftime break before eating the second half of it. This pasta had me on the ropes and I just barely made it out alive. I started to sweat from eating. Any strenuous movement, such as breathing, hurt.
Once I finished the last bite, I was seven pounds heavier and never wanted to eat food again. Most babies weigh between six and eight pounds when they are born (I had to Google this. I don’t know how much babies weigh of the top of my head). That means I had a literal, not literal, food baby. I named it Joe.
I do not recommend following this diet unless you are an extremely active person, writing a story or hate yourself immensely.
Eating this much was not fun and I would never do it again. And on top of it all it was a waste of food. Luckily, the LSU Food Pantry accepts donations. If you enjoyed this gluttonous story, you should consider donating here.
Final Diet:
Breakfast- 4 scrambled eggs, 7 pancakes, 4 pieces of bacon
Snack- 2 Rice Krispie Treats, 1 protein shake
Lunch- Chipotle burrito bowl, extra protein
Snack- 2 granola bars, 4 servings breaded chicken breast
Dinner- Shrimp alfredo, 18 shrimp
Hydration- 7 Bodyarmors, 5 bottles of water
Total: 5,410 calories, 313 grams of protein, 680 grams of carbs, 159 grams of fat, 7 pounds gained
