Editor’s note: The following column is satire
On March 10th, Hollywood’s biggest night will take place.
The 96th Academy Awards is just around the corner, and along with it will come A-listers and pop culture spectacles. Despite the ceremony being the most prestigious award in the film industry, the Oscars never fail to surprise viewers with unexpected moments. Here are some predictions for the 2024 Oscars:
Jimmy Kimmel is hosting the event for a fourth time this year, and he is bound to bring up his 19-year-long beef with Matt Damon. The best way to open the show would be for him to address Matt Damon in the crowd and pay homage to the infamous Chris Rock and Will Smith slap that took place at the 94th Academy Awards.
The bit would consist of Kimmel taking some jabs at Damon, leading to Damon walking on stage to serve Kimmel a juicy slap across the face. The two would then yell back and forth at each other until Damon finally exclaims “Keep my name out your gosh-darn mouth!”
They’ll keep it classy, of course.
Next, Taylor Swift must be mentioned – even though she will not be present. It seems to be the only way award shows and the NFL are able to get people talking about the events. Swift will probably be brought up before the presentation of the “Documentary Feature Film” award, with the presenters joking about how her film “Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour” did not quite make the cut for the Oscars. The punchline will be that she cannot win everything. Swift will then release a heartbreak song towards the Oscars as a response to the joke.
Surprisingly, Ryan Gosling will be performing “I’m Just Ken” from the Barbie soundtrack during the award show. It only makes sense that he uses this moment to rebrand himself as a professional singer, resigning from his long acting career. He will shock the crowd with his astounding hidden talent as he sings acapella, revealing his shrill, angelic voice. It will be a historic moment in Hollywood history.
For the final award of the night, Best Picture, the Oscar will go to Christopher Nolan’s “Oppenheimer” and the audience will gasp as to how it won considering that someone could begin watching the movie, run to the grocery, go to a doctor’s appointment, stop for gas, return home and cook dinner, then sit back down to resume watching the movie and it would only be halfway through.
After the gasps die down, Nolan and Cillian Murphy will share their speech and acknowledge their collaborators and Jimmy Kimmel will walk out to close the show.
After Kimmel says thank you and goodnight to the viewers with the cast and crew of “Oppenheimer” still on stage, the only fitting outro would be an explosion that fades out into black. As the cherry on top, there will be one short clip after the explosion showing Matt Damon winding up his arm and exclaiming “Why I oughta” just to bring the show full circle before the credits roll.
These are only predictions right now, but on March 10th they may just become fact. Anything is possible in Hollywood.
