Spring has come to Louisiana and brought with it Louisiana heat. Yes, that’s right—the phenomenon known colloquially as “swamp ass” has returned to a pair of pants near you. And as temperatures rise into the 80s, we’re faced with the impenetrable dilemmas of finding good shorts.
Some are too long; some are too short. Some are too tight and others too baggy. Others, still, fit just right but for some reason are incredibly sweaty.
It happens the same way every year. Sunnier days and moist air beg the question, what to wear? For the students of LSU, and really anyone who must brave this humid state during its nearly year-long summer, a struggle arises.
According to one student, the stakes are high.
“Shorts are key,” said mechanical engineering sophomore Cade Smith. “They can definitely raise the level of ‘fit,” he added, eyeing passerbys.
If shorts can elevate an outfit, they can wreck one just easily.
“I would say if you’re a skinnier guy, maybe ‘the five’ isn’t the play for you,” said Smith, referring to the five-inch inseam short-shorts. “If you’ve got some big old meaty quads showing, then go for it.”
Evidently, those who squat have the green light from Smith to serve thigh. Otherwise, a longer silhouette might be a safer bet for guys.
“Like these right here,” said Smith, pointing to his own shorts, a pair of medium-length, clay-colored synthetics with an all-over pattern and black compression liner beneath. “These are cool shorts,” he said with a smile.
Confidence is also key.
“Got these at Dick’s. They were on sale,” said Smith, leaning in. “But I think the secret to good shorts is actually swim trunks. Swim trunks have the best designs.”
Just as there’s more than one way to skin a cat, there’s more than one way to find good shorts.
Smith did, however, offer one, across-the-board warning: “No matter what, keep it above the kneecap,” he said. Unless you’re playing basketball and going for an old-school look, he said, keep that inseam above the knee.
Other students agreed.
“Y’all are definitely embracing a shorter short,” said textiles, apparel design and merchandising doctoral student Danielle Honeycutt. “And I think the short-shorts are here to stay.”
Some, however, focus more on the brand than the style.
“Honestly, the best pair you can get is Lululemon,” said pre-medicine freshman Charles Riley. “Those athletic shorts. Really, really nice to wear. Really, really comfortable. Durable. Fantastic.”
Of course, there’s little agreement on which brand might be the best.
“I like Adidas a lot,” said LSU alumni Matt White.
Is he brand loyal? “Absolutely,” White said.
Was he wearing Nike shorts that day? As it turns out, yes.
No doubt, the brand switch comes as a sign that good options are scarce and, left without the ideal pair, we must turn to poorer alternatives.
“These are old ass shorts,” White laughed. “All my s–t’s in the laundry.”
The pursuit for women’s shorts is similarly fraught.
“We seem to be in a shift in terms of style,” said Casey Stannard, associate professor of textiles, apparel design and merchandising. “You have a lot of those women’s running shorts, you know very tight, going on, but we’re also starting to see this very baggy mom-jean occurring, too.”
The two trends are polar opposites, Stannard said. “I think people are having a hard time deciding which camp to go into.”
And regardless of style, just finding the right size poses challenges.
“Sizing is a completely voluntary, made-up, arbitrary thing,” Stannard said. “It’s only supposed to get you kind of in the ballpark.”
For one, many brands will undersize their clothing—advertising, say, a women’s size 10 as an eight so that shoppers will buy more.
“They’ll be like, ‘Oh! I’m skinnier than I thought I was—I’m going to buy a couple extra pairs here because they’re a size eight.’ We refer to that as ‘vanity sizing’,” said Stannard, “We appeal to your vanity by saying you’re a skinnier size, which will make you want to buy more. That’s been occurring for years in the industry. Various companies do that to entice buyers.”
Then there’s the issue of sewing tolerances.
When a clothing designer contracts their garments to be manufactured, they’ll make an agreement on what margin of error, in measurements, is acceptable. Imagine, for instance, Levi designs a pair of jean shorts with a size 32-inch waist and gives their manufacturer a half inch sewing tolerance. That means some of the pants will come out as 32-inch, but others will be 31.5-inch or 32.5-inch, said Stannard.
“You have variation from cutting. When you cut out a pair of jeans or shorts, you’re going to cut them with an industrial cutter, doing 30-ply at a time,” Stannard said. “And they’re sewing thousands in a go at 60 miles an hour—that’s how fast some of these machines are.”
Combine vanity sizing, sewing tolerance, changing styles, manufacturer variation—and it’s all but impossible to get a reliable fit.
“Let’s say you buy two pairs of shorts in the exact same size from the exact same retailer—they’re probably not going to fit the same,” Stannard said.
The only thing you can really do, she added, is to physically try on tons of garments until something works out. “It’s a complete and utter moving target,” she said.
Sounds daunting, doesn’t it? Put simply, good shorts aren’t promised; they are fought for.
But don’t give up hope. Somewhere out there, in a faraway department store, thrift shop or boutique, a pair of shorts waits for you. They’re just the right length and just the right fit. You may have to limp along on a pair of beaters until you find them, but one day, that perfect pair will come down from on high as though gifted by the gods of good clothes themselves.
Yet, to find a good pair of shorts is to one day wear them out, rip or misplace them, knowing full well there’ll never be another pair quite like the ones you cherished so dearly for so long. To love is to lose.
Whether or not we realize it, the victory of finding great shorts is the premonition of an even greater loss. Still, summer approaches. The search continues. We must find shorts.
Good luck. You may need it.
