Editor’s note: The following column is satire.
Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce is dating Taylor Swift. Swift has watched the last two Chiefs games alongside Kelce’s mother Donna.
Much speculation has been made about how this is an opportunity for the NFL to appeal to female fans, but what hasn’t been discussed enough is the impact that the relationship could have on the field.
Swift has a dedicated fan base. The Swifties would follow her to the ends of the Earth, meaning the Chiefs now have a dedicated army on their side.
Imagine an opposing linebacker closing in on Kelce as the ball is being thrown to him. There’s an opportunity to lay him out and break up the pass. But the thought of angering his millions of new fans stops him in his tracks, as he thinks about the coordinated harassment campaign he’d have to endure if he hurt football’s new golden boy. He’d instead have to tackle him as politely as possible, and ask for an autograph from Swift for his daughter after the game.
The pressure the NFL feels now practically gives him immunity during touchdown celebrations. Kelce could throw the football at the opposing player covering him and flip a double bird if he wanted. Commissioner Roger Goodell wouldn’t dare fine Kelce knowing that thousands of Swifties would descend upon his house, blasting her albums in order and singing every word to stop him from sleeping.
The referees of Chiefs games now have a clear incentive to make calls in favor of Kelce. If referees missed a pass interference call, they would have to check their coffee cups for cyanide and cars for explosives the next morning.
Coach Andy Reid’s job will soon be much easier after Swifties study football day and night to help the Chiefs take advantage over opposing teams. Kansas City will soon have the largest volunteer coaching staff in the history of professional sports. Some fans’ scouting reports have already started to come in, and the NFL has been monitoring them for illegal information.
One leaked letter reads, “Hello Coach Reid, I’m writing on behalf of Taylor. I started watching football last week, and I have a couple of important notes to consider while you’re coming up with this week’s game plan. You play the Chargers this week and they run inverted cover six (or cover eight) on 26% of third and medium to third long plays. A fake screen from a trips formation with a backside post will freeze the trix safety and leave Kelce open over the middle with room to pick up YAC. They’ll probably play two high shell mostly, but if they aren’t and there are no cover six indicators expect a fire zone call. On these plays, let’s look to get a receiver in a cheat motion away from Kelce to give him more space to work on the hook curl defender.”
If their on-field adjustments aren’t enough, the Swifties may resort to levels of cheating that would make Bill Belichick blush. Expect them to construct giant leaf blowers and fire them from the left side of the stadium to push all opposing teams’ kicks wide right. The NFL will have to watch out for devices placed in footballs that allow them to be controlled remotely. If not, Kelce’s highlight reel will be filled with catches on passes that travel between multiple defenders’ legs and circle them a couple of times.
The league should also be on notice for any plots involving Swifties taking referees’ uniforms and calling the games after hogtying them and shoving them in a broom closet.
The Kelce-Swift relationship is going to bring a lot of new eyes to the product, and it’s nice to see them embrace that. Whatever they have to do to prevent mafia-style intimidation tactics and cartoon villain schemes will be worth it.
Frank Kidd is a 22-year-old mass communication senior from Springfield, Virginia.
