The LSU Foundation held a luncheon Tuesday honoring the Board of Supervisors for receiving an “A+ in doing absolutely nothing during times of fiscal pandemonium.”
LSU students, teachers and state politicians praised Board of Supervisors member Stanley Jacobs at the luncheon for writing meaningless words on a piece of paper. Jacobs’ vague letter to the editor described brand new information that no other news organization has yet to cover: Budget cuts suck.
Jacobs’ late arrival to the fiscal irresponsibility party included mentions of his support for LSU Chancellor F. King Alexander’s efforts to save the University from becoming a funeral home for higher education.
To Gov. Bobby Jindal’s delight, Jacobs completely forgot about the governor’s fiscally irresponsible tax policies that threw the state into what Jindal’s presidential campaign will likely call “budgetary exuberance.”
“I think it is great that the Board of Supervisors have been so helpful in attempting to protect the Governor’s image from critics around the nation” a spokesperson for the Louisiana Governor’s Office said.
“Gov. Bobby Jindal has expressed his pleasure in the Board’s willingness to point out the obvious, offer insincere statements about the cuts and inability to blame the state’s politicians for LSU’s dismal future.”
Since 2008, students have applauded the Governor’s numerous attempts to kill higher education’s liberal mind-washing efforts by refusing to march on the Capitol, smugly mentioning how bad budget cuts are over a vanilla latte with friends and calling quits to any protesting efforts at the first sign of required effort.
“Students here have really come out and shown astounding support for all the faculty members who will probably lose their jobs by next fall semester,” an LSU professor said.
One instructor said he understood the economic sacrifice Jindal was making by rewarding the movie industry millions of tax dollars while taking away state money dedicated to the University.
“I think I should definitely lose my job that pays less than a high school teacher so that oil companies and Hollywood millionaires make even more money,” the instructor said. “Those billionaires give back to Louisiana by buying yachts and big houses more than I could ever give back to this state by teaching young adults how to write like they actually graduated from kindergarten.”
While LSU students follow the complacent lead of their Board of Supervisors, Republicans around the nation are praising Jindal for working toward creating a voter base that denies evolution, diversity and modern medicine.
An aide to GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz said Jindal’s attacks on knowledge will make the presidential race for fifth place as exciting as the 224th lap of a NASCAR race.
“Senator Cruz is a little worried that the majority of uneducated Republicans will flock toward Jindal in hopes of an America that is both a no-go zone for Muslims and smart people,” the aide said.
In response to critics of the governor’s crusade against higher education, Jindal finally responded to The Daily Reveille’s request for comments and defended his actions as an attempt to create equal opportunity for all Louisiana citizens.
“If I cut LSU’s budget enough times, eventually our youth will all stand on the same academically inferior level to one another,” Jindal said. “It’s all about fixing economic inequality by lowering the standards of education to fight intelligence inequality.”
Justin DiCharia is a 20-year-old mass communication junior from Slidell, Louisiana. You can reach him on Twitter @JDiCharia