Readers, I will be straightforward with you. While the title of my first opinion column may be true, it was a ruse to get your attention. A booby trap, if you will, without the boob and instead with a dead child.

Now let’s get down to the nitty gritty. My far more controversial opinion. The title caught your eye and softened you up so much you’d spread well on a nice piece of toast. But now, the truth.

Getting a meal on- or off-campus is a choice all students must make.

I hear you, eating-right-on-the-border-of-campus freaks. It’s not impossible to eat right in the middle. But, the meal has to come from somewhere. So come lunch time, after an hour or so of awkward stomach rumbling in class, students will have to make an important decision.

Should you get food off campus, where you must have access to a vehicle and currency that doesn’t involve a tiger-related pun?

Or, should you get food on campus where other people are, including angry Chik-fil-A cashiers and fellow students who can see you eat alone until your nonexistent friends arrive?

I swear, they’re coming! And maybe I like eating alone, geez…

But no one is free from making this choice. No one.

Even when you’ve graduated, and you’re sitting in your old bedroom at home after having re-applied to the Sonic you worked at in high school, you will still be hungry.

Now this is a part most students fail to realize. Hunger applies to most, if not all, people and other living beings. Spending days trying to photosynthesize will not save you. You will need a meal.

Which will it be, a meal on campus, or off campus?
The preceding was a work of satire. Please don’t sue.
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