According to a study by the University of Michigan, seven out of 10 couples say the No. 1 disagreement in their relationship is money. Thirteen percent of married couples admit they fight about money several times a month.
To put that into perspective, money causes more marital problems than opinions on kids, sex, religion and where to eat — besides the top-rated restaurant apparently named, “I Don’t Care.”
The evidence shows no matter what stage of a committed relationship you’re in, money is likely the most stressful issue in it regardless of the income or debt you have.
If we can learn how to compromise with opinions on money, we can live happier lives with our partners.
This information is probably no surprise to you. A 2011 study showed that 91 percent of people in a committed relationship agreed it’s important to discuss finances before marriage.
So where’s the disconnect? Everyone knows they should discuss finances, but it still causes the most issues.
The first problem is communication.
Talking about finances in America has always been and will always be a taboo. We’re taught growing up it’s impolite to ask how much someone makes or how much their house costs.
In a material society like ours, money symbolizes many different things to everyone. It can symbolize security, comfort, control, power, status, well-being and even sex appeal. It’s no wonder that when it comes to personal finances, people don’t want to talk about it.
A survey by Wells Fargo found 44 percent of people think it’s difficult to talk about money, compared to 38 percent who find it difficult to talk about death.
Interestingly enough, a 2011 survey by Lawyers.com found 40 percent of American couples agree that honesty about finances is more important than being honest about infidelity.
This brings up the second reason that money is the number one problem — honesty.
Despite the importance placed on being truthful about money, couples still avoid discussing it. Thirty-six percent of men and 40 percent of women have admitted to lying to their partner about financial issues, according to the University of Michigan study.
Even though couples agree on the importance of discussing money and discussing it honestly, it’s still too difficult for many couples.
We know money is the biggest problem in relationships. We know it’s because we have a hard time talking about money, and we know that our partners may be lying to us about money.
So how do we fix it?
The first step is to know what values and approaches you take with money. If you don’t know this, it will be difficult to discuss with your partner what you want. The same goes for your partner, encourage them to figure out their values, too.
Programs like Money Habitudes make it easy to learn about your values. You fill out a questionnaire, and it will tell you the different values you place on money. For example, I like to plan, and I value financial security. Both you and your partner should take a test like this to make discussing money easier.
Next, find out where you and your partner have commonalities with money. This is where you can start to build your joint budget. Then, move on to differences and try to find alternative solutions to your disagreements.
For example, if you want to save money but your partner likes to go to dinner with friends, next time, suggest inviting everyone over to your place and cooking for them. Be sure to listen to your partner’s wants and get creative with alternative solutions. Some differences cannot be compromised, and that’s fine. To avoid arguments in situations like this, I would suggesting altering your budget.
If you both earn incomes, put 60 percent to a house fund, 30 percent to a personal fund and 10 toward retirement. Stuff like groceries, bills and any joint financial decisions come out of the house fund. The money in the personal funds is separate and free from criticism to what you or your partner spends that money on. Play around with the idea and find what would work best for your relationship.
In addition, you could also hire a Certified Financial Planner. A financial planner is a professional who specializes in planning how to effectively use your money to achieve the goals you have in life. They are trained and experienced with handling couples who disagree.
I hope this will inspire you to talk to your partner about money and achieve a happier and more stable relationship. You both can then look back with pride and say you conquered the number one problem in relationships. Then celebrate by going out to dinner. But don’t ask me — I don’t care where we go.
Jay Cranford is a 20-year-old finance junior from St. Simons Island, Georgia. You can reach him on Twitter @hjcranford.