In light of the recent Paris attacks, Jesus Christ descended from Heaven to warn America not to take in Syrian refugees who look like him.
“Do not let these unholy brown people who look like me into God’s chosen empire,” Christ said, referring to America. “Do not love them as you love yourself. Do not give them all your possessions as I previously instructed in my book.”
Christ noted that while his parents’ situation may seem similar to the current Syrian issue, they could not be any more different.
“While Mary and Joseph were also Middle Eastern people travelling to a foreign land searching for shelter, the two situations are as different as night and day,” Christ said. “I mean, Mary was in labor with me, the son of God. Do you see anyone else in labor with the son of God? I don’t think so.”
Christ said the best and only way to help the world is by bombing the Middle East and Syria into obliteration and not taking civilian casualties into consideration.
“We don’t really know which of these people are part of the Islamic State group and which ones are just innocent civilians who want this evil terrorist group gone as much as we do,” Christ said. “Most of the civilians fear domestic terrorism daily and have had loved ones blown to annihilation. But because we can’t figure out which ones are peaceful and which ones are the Islamic State group, let’s just wipe them all off the map.”
Catholic Charities, a volunteer agency supported by the Archdiocese of New Orleans, has taken in 14 Syrian refugees and decided to switch their religious affiliation rather than listen to their all-powerful God.
“We decided our personal opinions on the matter are more important than what some omnipotent being commands us to do,” Wendy Vitter, general counselor for Archdiocese of New Orleans, said. “Even if almost every single refugee is a terrorist, one of them might be innocent. I’m not sure I’m willing to send an innocent person back to an unstable, terror-stricken region.”
Vitter said Catholic Charities is now Muslim Charities, and the Archdiocese of New Orleans is now affiliated with the Islamic religion.
“It makes more sense anyway,” Vitter said. “I mean, why would a Christian organization want to help Muslims? They’re going to burn in the fiery pits of Hell and face God’s wrath when they die. God doesn’t love brown non-Christians from the Middle East, so shouldn’t Christ-loving humans want him to punish them as soon as possible?”
Fact checkers say Vitter’s claim is mostly false. Recent studies found God refuses to love any brown person, regardless of religious affiliation. When God said His Kingdom was open to all who believe, he only meant all Caucasians. Christ confirmed this finding.
“My father doesn’t really love people with dark skin,” Christ said. “Why do you think he allows white people to kill them off and exploit their land and people?”
When asked if there was any possible way for these unholy stains on society to redeem themselves in the eyes of the Lord, Christ said, “If every single one of them apologizes when there’s a terrorist attack, God might reconsider. I do mean everyone though. Even if there’s a terrorist attack on the opposite side of the planet and only four people are involved, every single person within that race or religion has to publicly apologize and condemn the attackers.”
We asked if white Christians would be faced with the same level of scrutiny, and Christ laughed. “Of course not,” he said. “You’re not responsible for the sins of others.”
Cody Sibley is a 19-year-old mass communication sophomore from Opelousas, Louisiana. You can reach him on Twitter at @CodySibley.