It rubs the lotion on its skin, and then it turns orange again. I’m talking, of course, about America’s most beloved piece of Italian trash, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, who recently announced her pregnancy.
Snooki originally denied allegations she was pregnant, only to later reveal she does indeed have a calzone in the oven.
Snooki’s child is going to inherit some of the worst DNA America has to offer. The placenta is rumored to be a giant ravioli casing. After the behavior Snooki has displayed loud and proud for all of America to witness, I think Child Protective Services should take away her baby.
Not only should they take it away, they should give it to a loving and responsible adoptive couple.
Snooki has had countless sexual encounters on television, been punched in the face by a man and punched other people in the face, all while getting so hammered she could hardly get back to the bed to “smush” again.
It would be irresponsible for the government to allow this woman to nurse a child. Her breast milk will be so tainted with Jägermeister, the child’s faux-hawk will stand up on its own.
Excessive house music and fist pumping will likely damage the fetus’s brain, especially if one of the fists goes astray.
Here’s what I propose: If the government does not take away Snooki’s baby – which I don’t imagine it will do – all 50 states must allow gay couples in committed relationships the right to adopt children.
If CPS lets Snooki keep her kid, pretty much anybody should be allowed to.
And I mean anybody – up to and including the Mexican cartels.
The average gay couple does not bring home strange sexual partners from the club every night. The average gay couple is not always drunk and instigating violence.
Adoptive gay parents can provide the same loving and nurturing environment a child needs to develop and succeed that straight couples can.
To be more blunt, no person hoping to adopt a child would ever act like Snooki.
There is always the possibility Ms. Polizzi could change her ways. If she stops drinking now, the alcohol content of her breast milk should drop below the lethal level by the time the baby arrives.
Michael Jackson kept his kids even though he slept with other kids. Demi Moore kept her kids even though she was banging one of their friends.
There are some terrible people out there raising children while many loving and responsible couples are unable to adopt simply because of their sexual orientation.
In the words of Pauly D., “C’mon bro.”
Parker Cramer is a 21-year-old political science junior from Houston. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_pcramer.
 
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