Defining sex isn’t easy.
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines sex as “sexually motivated phenomena or behavior; sexual intercourse.” It defines intercourse as “physical sexual contact between individuals that involves the genitalia of at least one person.”
Not very definitive, is it?
Why are we talking about this? What does it matter how we define sex?
An immediate need for this is coming up quickly: Valentine’s Day. As a romantic day, many people feel pressured to do something special for someone special.
For many, “something special” is sex.
While no one should ever feel pressured to have sex in any form, it’s useful to know where your boundaries are when talking to your partner about the upcoming holiday. You need to qualify what is and isn’t acceptable for you in this situation.
Many of us remember former President Bill Clinton’s infamous words during the Monica Lewinsky scandal: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Apparently oral-to-genital contact is not a sexual act, according to the former president.
Many have heard someone — maybe even ourselves — utter the words “it wasn’t real sex.”
The questions remain: What is sex? What is sexual intercourse? Are they the same thing?
The reality is that everyone has different definitions about what is or isn’t sex and intercourse. These definitions don’t have to be extremely different for it to make a difference to people. Sometimes the small variances changes things completely.
For some, if you are partially naked, it can be sex but not intercourse. Others believe penetration occurs for both sex and intercourse.
Some narrowly define sex as a penis in a vagina — a strict description that allows some to believe their virginity remains intact while still exploring curiosities and releasing sexual tension. The more constricted the definition, the more it allows for exploration of intimate contact, such as naked cuddling as well as oral and anal sex — all with little guilt.
These definitions are nothing more than making excuses to reduce the guilt around something you shouldn’t feel bad about in the first place.
If I say “sex” without specifying a contact point, I define it as an intimate physical act motivated by or involving sexual feelings between at least two people, with or without nudity. I’m talking intercourse, anal sex, naked cuddling, making out, “second base” and much more, if your motivations are sexual.
Just because you have your clothes on or only use your tongue doesn’t mean you’ve avoided having sex. If you’re getting turned on, I’d be willing to bet you’re having sex. Sex isn’t just the penetration, but also the build-up, the tease, the flirt and the foreplay.
If you’re doing everything short of penetration, you’re still having sex.
Intercourse is the actual act of putting something in or around at least one partner’s genitalia, which extends beyond penetration to many other acts, including hand jobs.
If you don’t know how you personally define sex and intercourse, it’s hard to explain to your partner what you’re not comfortable doing.
Vague descriptions like “well, you know, sex” leave both partners bewildered and unsure of acceptable actions.
There are longer-lasting needs for these conversations as well. You must know what you believe in order to share it with another person. Just as vague descriptions can be harmful in the short term, they can add layers of frustration in the long term.
The consequences can be devastating if you and your partner have different beliefs about what is acceptable for your relationship regarding sex — both at this exact moment and the blueprints for the future — but can’t express these needs and desires to one another.
Most people have seen or been part of a relationship that has broken apart because the couple couldn’t stay on the same page. Sex is only one item on a list of issues that fall victim to lack of communication.
Whatever your definition, belief or idea about sex or sexual intercourse, there is no better time than the present to start thinking and talking about it.
Kristi Carnahan is a 25-year-old anthropology senior from West Monroe. Follow her on Twitter @TDR_KCarnahan.
 
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Contact Kristi Carnahan at [email protected].