Usually I try to stick to talking about things on television, but I left the theater in a fit of frothy rage at 2 a.m. this morning, I knew I had to make an exception for this.

I’m not here to talk about how terrible Twilight is, both as a story and a franchise (and the genesis of 50 Shades of Gray). That’s so 2009. We’ve said everything there possibly is to say on that topic by now.

But last night, one of my friends called me and said that she had an extra ticket to the midnight premiere of the last installment of Breaking Dawn, and as a college student I am loath to ever turn down free stuff, so I went. I didn’t go in expecting much. I know what the deal is with Twilight movies. Even the actors in them hate them.

What I was not expecting, though, was the most unbelievable, ridiculous, anti-climactic twist I have ever seen in a blockbuster film. I was outraged. I was appalled. I was really glad I didn’t pay to see the movie.

I think this video speaks for itself, so I’ll stop there. Here’s a hot toddy, because I know I needed one after watching that movie.

THE JACOB BLACK

Warm and spicy, but dark. Takes itself much too seriously for a drink inspired by Twilight.

1 part Captain Morgan Black spiced rum

2 parts Caramel Almond Amaretti herbal tea (available at Teavana)

Combine in a mug, preferably a glass one so you can appreciate how thematically appropriate the deep red color is.

BONUS DRINK: TWIHARD SPECIAL

1 vial tears of sad Twilight fans who can’t believe the saga is over

Shoot it straight as soon as the movie is over. Never look back.