I hate to spoil the surprise, but former Massachusetts governor and part-time wax figure Mitt Romney will be the 2012 Republican presidential nominee.
How do I know this? Because I did my best to stay in touch with the political world over the break despite my overwhelming desire to eat like a Texan, drink like a Russian and hibernate like a bear. 
While the rest of America was celebrating the holidays with their loved ones, GOP candidates continued to pimp themselves out to America’s grass-roots communities, showcasing their policies and hoping to stick out from the rest of their comrades. 
Two major events took place in the Republican field over the break — the Iowa caucus and the New Hampshire primary. Think of these as prom king nominations. I would say prom queen as well, but our beloved and only female candidate, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, ended her candidacy shortly after finishing sixth in Iowa.
Let the sausage fest begin. 
Iowa was a shocker — most people expected Romney to win because he’s the safe candidate. He is a vetted politician and the only dirt opponents have on him is that he is a flip-flopper. 
So he used to love abortions, and now he only sort of likes them in the privacy of his home. We get it. But Romney was not the story from Iowa. The story was Santorum.
Former Pennsylvania senator and confirmed bigot Rick Santorum finished second in Iowa, trailing Romney by a mere eight votes out of some 120,000. Apparently equating homosexual intercourse to pedophilia and bestiality fared pretty well with the Iowa voters. 
Congressman Ron Paul, who finished third in Iowa, has consistently polled anywhere from 20 to 22 percent, but never much more than that. His supporters are diehard, but he will never get to debate Obama. 
I imagine Texas Gov. Rick Perry will be hanging up his 10 gallon hat sometime soon, perhaps as soon as Romney seals the deal in Florida’s primary Jan. 31. The same goes for Newt Gingrich, because even Republicans have a problem with serving your former-high-school-geometry-teacher-turned-wife with divorce papers while she’s still in the hospital recovering from uterine cancer. It’s cool that you were nailing your teacher, but divorcing a cancer patient? C’mon Newt. 
The New Hampshire primary was the same story: Romney wins. But this time, his margin of victory was much higher. 
Romney left New Hampshire with 39.3 percent of the vote. Paul held onto his 22 percent, finishing in second with 22.9 percent. 
The surprise in New Hampshire was with former Utah governor and U.S. Ambassador to China, Jon Huntsman. Huntsman, who gained a measly 0.6 percent of the vote in Iowa, secured 16.9 percent of the vote in New Hampshire, finishing in a comfortable third place.  
The next two primaries will be held in South Carolina on Jan. 21 and in Florida on Jan. 31. I would be pleasantly surprised to see someone besides Romney win any upcoming primary, but I don’t think it will happen. 
In fact, I would be surprised if Perry could win Texas at this point.
The questions Republicans have to ask themselves now are: Can two Mormons make a right? Could Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman possibly form the first all-Mormon presidential ticket? Could they win?
Nevertheless, I highly doubt any of the Republicans could beat Obama. 
Look at it as a football game: Obama is Alabama and the Republicans are LSU. Republicans look strong going in, but it won’t be long before the GOP realizes they don’t have a quarterback. 
 
Parker Cramer is a 20-year-old political science junior from Houston. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_pcramer.
 
Contact Parker Cramer at [email protected].