I never considered myself a religious person. When I was young, it was easy to believe in a higher power. My faith became harder to maintain as I grew older. I looked for truth, meaning and other nonsense metaphysical terms that don’t correspond to reality. I became stumped – trapped in the impenetrable blackness of my precariously positioned soul.
And then I saw the light.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not a member of any enlightened new-age religious movement. I do not practice yoga nor do I study the Kabbalah. I am also not a member of any of these celebrity-buzzword churches like Scientology or, God forbid, Christianity. No, no, no.
I worship at Wal-Mart.
Founded what seems like eons ago – July 2, 1962 – by the Great Prophet Sam Walton, Wal-Mart has spread like a dirt-cheap wildfire throughout our great nation. Customers of any gender, ethnicity, age, legal immigration status and hair-do flock to the closest Supercenter to obey the Two Commandments: Save money. Live better.
And the ranks of the pious are swelling. Wal-Mart released its fiscal 2008 fourth-quarter report in February, and tithes are through the roof. The corporation reported net sales for the quarter at more than $106 billion, a record-breaking first for retailers. Apparently, a lot of people are saving money and living better.
But price is not the only incentive.
Like any good religion, Wal-Mart absolves congregants from reason, responsibility and choice.
You might wonder how a place with infinite selection can save you from the intolerable burden of free will. The answer is simple: Look for Sam’s Choice. Why should I bother myself with the struggle of real-life decision making when entrepreneur extraordinaire Sam Walton – may the Mart rest his soul – already made my mind up for me?
And Sam’s Choice is incredibly inexpensive.
Like any grass-roots religious movement, Wal-Mart has institutional critics. These blasphemous demagogues use their “reason” and “logic” to upset the harmonious balance of price and selection established by the Wal-Mart disciples – also called “floor managers.”
But the faithful are deaf to these sacrilegious charges. Amid a worldwide economic downturn, the devout are flocking to their local meccas (4,000 locations nationwide) in droves.
Despite the 2007 slogan change, the reason behind Wal-Mart’s success remains clear.
Always low prices. Always.
—-Contact Daniel McBride at [email protected]