Ladies and gentleman, we here at The Daily Reveille have just received some breaking news: It’s official. A large portion of the politically active left is mentally imbalanced. I knew they had to be nuts. If you’re an environmentalist, please seek immediate medical help. Your time may be losing its value. There are still no reports on whether or not you’re contagious. So let’s try not to get angry with them anymore. It’s not their fault. They were probably born that way. Not all of them are crazy, but we can’t afford to split hairs at a time like this – we are at war. Just remember what your mother always told you about not staring, and I’m sure we’ll get through this like civilized people. A potential new contagion is sweeping the countryside, indeed possibly the world. And with today’s transportation systems, extreme caution is being urged to avoid infection. Eco-anxiety is a condition characterized by a persistent fear of the effects of environmental negligence. People who suffer from this condition “can’t handle the thought that they – or anyone – are in some way contributing to global warming, species extinction and dwindling natural resources,” according to an April 17 Fox News story. How unique. Some major symptoms include extreme concerns for fuel and paper consumption, water and land pollution, hugging trees and/or occasionally listening to Grateful Dead and Jimi Hendrix recordings. These symptoms can manifest themselves in a variety of common side effects including, but not limited to, “fear, grief, anger, confusion and depression … neck and shoulder pain, fibromyalgia and fatigue … obsessive-compulsive disorder … nightmares,” and crying, according to Fox. Oral diarrhea may also occur. That leaves me slightly confused and curiously aroused. No word yet on whether the condition is related to any other disorders associated with anxiety or past substance abuse incidents. Some experts believe they have pinpointed the cause of this condition, which is environmental dialogue characterized by increasingly negative media coverage. Extreme complications and implications can and will occur as a result of eco-anxiety. This condition could lead to “larger psychological problems that won’t be solved merely by hugging a tree,” and will apparently lead to “extremism fueled by fear,” reported an eco-therapist to Fox News. Eco-therapy, also known as eco-psychology, is a growing method of psychological treatment of eco-anxiety. Global warming hysteria and its resulting mental consequences will undoubtedly require adequate and necessary counseling and treatment, offered by more than 100 therapists across the country specializing in this field. It is also being taught in higher academic institutions, such as Harvard Medical School. A relatively new kind of treatment has also been suggested. Fox News refers to it as “recycling.” More on this unprecedented breakthrough as more details arrive. Other experts have recommended simply getting all the facts about the environment before becoming too reactionary. This may consequently curb the demand for eco-therapy and perhaps even cure the condition known as eco-anxiety. Impossible as it may seem. Seriously. There’s no longer any time for partisanship though. We’ve got a duty to provide for the well-being of all our citizens, and this should be treated as a moral crusade. Some might argue that this is the last thing the world needs – more victims. We had enough already. But forget about the politics of fear because these poor souls truly need help. There’s simply no way someone would possibly take advantage of a story like this without facing any moral consequences. These people deserve our best medical care. The time is now to mobilize in the battle to save the planet. I know this concept borders on extremism but let’s be civil, people. If we don’t get to the bottom of these causes and find some answers, then these people will no longer be liable for their own actions. It will become a mental epidemic. So do your part to stay active in helping others find a cure for this tragic and ugly condition. Because one day, you might wake up with it. Fight the system. Start a revolution. Spit knowledge. Save the world. Get paid.