Editor’s Note: This column contains language that some may find offensive.
Eminem once said, “I got bitches on my jock up in East Detroit / Because they think I’m a motherfuckin’ Beastie Boy.”Lovely!But it got me thinking. As wonderful as that must be for Eminem, I’m sure he has to do something to hold back the hordes of women. And while his plan involves writing a multitude of songs in which he murders his ex-wife turned wife turned ex-wife again, I have a better system.The easiest way to keep me from slyly begging you for a phone number, license plate number or some other seven digit concoction, is — hold your breath, drum roll please, cue up the “JAWS” theme music — to wear a Derek Jeter jersey.The secret’s out — I’ve seen three girls in the past week wearing Derek Jeter jerseys. I didn’t even realize he was still relevant.I swear to God, though, Derek Jeter jerseys are like Citronella candles to mosquitoes.Now, before you run out to the nearest Wal-Mart to clean out its costume shelves and turn campus into a horrible rendition of the New York over-paid, over-fed and under-whelming Yankees, take a moment to consider my point.Because I don’t think it applies just to me.And it’s not because I hate the Yankees.And it’s not because Derek Jeter makes me think of DJ from “Full House” — though this doesn’t help.It’s not because this has been the worst-ish month of my life, and Jeter is known as Mr. November.And it’s not because Jeter is far more skilled, good-looking, accomplished and rich than me.It’s because I was once told to keep my friends close and my enemies closer, so I’ve made the unwise decision to model my life after him. I doubt he would ever sleep with someone wearing a cheap imitation of the jersey he keeps in the closet.But this probably won’t last for me. I’m never mistaken for a Beastie Boy. I don’t have bitches anywhere near my jock. When I have to check “sexually active” at the doctor’s office, I mark both and then erase it like I would on a confusing Scantron question.And, really, let’s be honest.Derek Jeter is about as interesting as this column.—-Contact Travis Andrews at [email protected]