Fox News is about as fair and balanced as a train derailment.But that doesn’t mean it can’t be entertaining in a “slowing down while passing a car crash” kind of way.This weekend I borrowed a concept from the great Chuck Klosterman and watched 24 straight hours of Fox News. Here’s how it went.Friday 2 p.m.We’re off with Shepard Smith calling out fat cats on Wall Street with a convoluted blackjack analogy.Meanwhile, Alexis Glick says “the gun is to their head this weekend.” I know how they feel.2:16 p.m.I hate myself for this idea. I’m also not checking the cable guide to see what comes on next. I want to be surprised.2:18 p.m.A commercial announces that Bill O’Reilly will be doing a piece on the Baywatch Babes later tonight. I’m not totally surprised.3:06 p.m.Neil Cavuto exhumes, pardon, examines News Corp CEO and Fox News creator Rupert Murdoch for his take on the historic government bailout. He calls Barack Obama naïve, accuses the Democrats of not closing tax loopholes for the rich and heads back to the crypt. Let’s just say Cavuto didn’t exactly grill him.3:23 p.m.Cavuto, looking like a fifth grader dressed up for picture day, asks Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) if he and the Democratic Party “have it out for rich people?” Yeah, that’s why they didn’t close those tax loopholes your boss was just ranting about.5:42 p.m.President Bush says, “America’s economy is facing unprecedented challenges, and we are responding with unprecedented action.”I remember him standing in Jackson Square in New Orleans on Sept. 15, 2005, and saying, “This is an unprecedented response to an unprecedented crisis.” He needs some new writers.7:04 p.m.O’Reilly just cut someone off for bashing Obama. It’s true! And he’s calling out the dishonest Spanish-language ads both campaigns are running. I’m agreeing with the “No Spin Zone?” I think Stockholm Syndrome might be setting in.7:48 p.m.O’Reilly introduces the much-anticipated “Women of Baywatch” segment. He’s got a big grin plastered on his face. There’s some spin in one of his zones tonight.7:59 p.m.Darkness has come outside, but I’m refusing to turn on the lights. I’ll just pretend I’m trapped in a well like in “The Silence of the Lambs.”8:00 p.m.Well hello Clarice! It’s Sean Hannity, wait, no he’s out tonight. Lucky break. Alan Colmes looks like a kid whose parents went out of town and left him a full liquor cabinet, $500 cash and the keys to the Porsche.8:42 p.m.I spoke too soon. Now Hannity’s on in a prerecorded segment defending Rush Limbaugh.10:00 p.m.- 1:00 a.m.We’re either deep into reruns of O’Reilly, Hannity and Greta van Susteren or I blacked out and they’re haunting my dreams. Even though it’s Friday night and I’m not out getting wasted in some Tigerland bar I’m still going to feel the same way in the morning. I’ll be exhausted, queasy, used and vowing to never do this again.1:23 a.m.Anita McNaught does a really good report on conditions in Sadr City, Iraq. That was interesting. I think I learned something.2:01 a.m.Hey some new content! It’s a show called “Red Eye.” The anchor, Greg Gutfeld, starts off with some jokes about rape and his sidekick promptly picks his nose and claims he became a Republican after seeing a picture of Hillary Clinton naked.2:12 a.m.Apparently, this is a late night comedy show hosted by Gutfeld, a former Maxim editor, where a panel tells raunchy jokes and generally says what Cavuto probably wishes he could get away with. I cannot emphasize this enough. If you’re a right-winger of questionable intelligence who would throw a party for Michael Moore’s first heart attack, this is your “Citizen Kane.”Then again after a three-hour block of repeats, Fox probably could have shown stock footage of cows grazing, and I would have given it a good review.2:43 a.m.Gutfeld throws it to Luke Campbell from the 1980s rap group 2 Live Crew for a special comment. This show is definitely the “Baywatch Nights” to O’Reilly’s “Baywatch.”3:23 a.m.This is now the THIRD time I’ve seen “Special Report with Brit Hume.” Only there’s still no Hume. I need some change I can believe in.6:28 a.m.The sun is coming up and the talking heads on “Fox and Friends” are way too perky for me right now. I just dumped a cup of Gatorade on my head. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.8:16 a.m.We’re going live to President Bush’s press conference with the president of Colombia. Here’s a quote, “Most products from Colombia enter our country duty free.” I can think of one. Fox goes to commercial quickly.8:34 a.m.Margaret Hoover is providing a Republican viewpoint on the market collapse. I look her up and it turns out she is the great-grandaughter of President Herbert Hoover. I find this interesting. And downright frightening.10:53 a.m.Wait a damn minute. Before Cavuto threw us to a commercial graphic he promised us “Rupert Murdoch is Here.” Then they just reran the interview from yesterday, albeit without the “Live” stamp. Also Cavuto appears to be wearing the same suit and tie. This is like trying to figure out the plot from “Memento.” I prefer my twisted right-wing billionaires live and in color.12:23 p.m.All right I’ll say it. The fact that our economy is so screwed up it needs $700 billion to “restore confidence” isn’t exactly doing much for my confidence. Listening to 22 straight hours of financial analysis isn’t helping either.1:59 p.m.Finally we’ve reached the ending point of this exercise in self-abuse. Let’s see how Fox chooses to send me out. I’m hoping for an apology.2:00 p.m. (Exactly)Brian Wilson tells me to tune in at 9:00 p.m. tonight. Uh, pass.—-contact Elliott Brown at [email protected]
