In a time in which people were not around and pink flamingos ran wild, there lived an ancient tribe of squirrels that occupied much of the known world. Historians believe the squirrels lived in small civilizations far more advanced than present day Arkansas. The squirrels had their own language, rituals and many of the same sexual positions as we do today. One of the founding tribes of these squirrels was located at present-day LSU campus.
What the historians don’t know is that the race of squirrels is still alive and well. The self-proclaimed leader of the squirrrels’ name is Patrick Duffy. Patrick, who calls himself “P Duff,” possesses powers the likes of which Ted Turner could only dream of having. P Duff is a well-mannered squirrel and is typically seen wearing a minature teal thong, a bow-tie and a Blackberry.
You might be asking yourself, “What in the hell is this guy talking about? Squirrels don’t have nor did they ever have a civilization.”
Well Peter Piper, I’m here to tell you there was and still is a super human legion of squirrels. Patrick Duffy and his board members usually meet in Oak Tree #3 every afternoon right behind Lockett Hall. Amoung P Duff’s members are Jack-B-Nimble, Curly Rectum and of couse Kevin Sorbo.
When LSU was built over 150 years ago the squirrels were outraged and killed over it. Ginormous amounts of construction workers were killed by a squirrel named Rambo Sanchez. The building of LSU was postponed for nearly three years until finally the humans struck a deal with the squirrels and told them that they would give them half the land, an unlimited supply of acorns and all the sex they could handle from Stonewall Jackson. The squirrels kindly accepted the offer and have been friendly to LSU and its students for the last 150 years.
Coincidentally, the peace treaty that was signed back then is soon to expire and if the chancellor and P Duff don’t strike a new collective bargaining agreement soon all hell will break loose. Rambo Sanchez has been migrating all this time and is ready and willing to start killing again. Rambo was once seen killing a rhino while impregnating a goat. I would hate to see what Rambo would do to Student Government with 15 minutes and a couple of ice cubes.
I don’t know about you and Tony Danza, but I sure hope Chancellor Sean O’Keefe strikes up a new deal soon or else we better get ready for the apocolypse!!!
—–Contact Josh Davidson at [email protected]