A cold wind is blowing. The flagship agenda is flying half-mast. Florida won. And now we have midterms brought to you by Popeye’s Chicken!That’s right: As LSU continues to suffer the national recession, it needs to get a little creative. Let’s open the door to some flagrant corporate sponsorship!Chancellor Martin has been diligent in his pep rallies, downplaying our budgetary hemorrhage. But in times like these, money does the talking. Sure, we’ve got the Cox Center for Large Groups of Uninterested Underclassmen. And there’s a nice little AT&T logo near the writing lab of the Journalism building. It’s about the size of a tissue box.But who does Mike the Tiger endorse? Surely we can find some white-collar opportunists eager to trade names. Doritos Mike and his Cool Ranch roar are poised to terrify the next generation of Southeastern Conference athletes. The traffic department farts around campus in their F-250 trucks. Their stop-and-go driving probably flushes more money down the toilet on gas than they recoup on tickets. In times like these, the Kohler Force sounds better.College kids’ attention spans can be short, so PowerPoint has emerged as a great natural sleep aid. I propose a 10-second commercial spot for every 20 PowerPoint slides. Any sort of audio-visual cues would re-engage even the most disinterested of students. Podiums. When’s the last time you actually looked at one? Well, you might if it told you when Transformers 2 was coming to Blu-Ray. Considering some students are still drunk the morning of their midterms, are “Scantrons by Bud Light” so inappropriate? Maybe once a day – just once – the bell tower could play McDonald’s’ “I’m Lovin’ It” jingle. Of course, there are ethical implications. A few logos here and there may tempt students with the fruits of adulthood, like spending money and leaving their dorms. It may compromise the sanctity of higher education, unlike Facebook and wireless Internet during class. Few of my professors from 2008 work here anymore. We’re already hit with thousands of ads every day. Are we saying a few more aren’t worth the potential millions lost on keeping our naming rights “classy” and “prestigious”? True, our renowned stake in the chemical engineering game has earned us support from petrochemical companies. You might recognize Exxon, Chevron and Shell. What about our lesser known supporters, Gaylord Chemicals and Vulcan Materials? In times like these, “Death Valley” is getting a bit stale. I’m thinking the mighty “Gaylord Vulcan Coliseum.” It’s fresh. It’s so Gaylord. None of this has to be permanent – just long enough to get us out of the hole. We wouldn’t be “whoring ourselves out.” I’d just say it’s more like stripping. Because figuratively, like strippers, we’ve got some kids to take care of. We’re working two jobs, trying to get through school and make ends meet.We’ve all got winter clothes. It’s been hot long enough. The school’s not going anywhere – Flagship will be back in some form or another. Our football team will be fine – we’re in the SEC, and you still had fun this weekend, right?Midterms will be finished soon enough too. Your grade won’t matter in 20 years, but your ability to make a crap salad will. The point is if you don’t have your sense of humor, you don’t have much else. In times like these, sarcasm is a comfortable refuge.This article courtesy of Formosa Plastics. Jack Johnson is a 23-year-old mass communication junior from Fort Worth, Texas. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_jjohnson.– – – -Contact Jack Johnson at [email protected]