CORVALLIS, Ore. (U-Wire)  —I am not going to BS you all here. It is hard to keep those New Year’s resolutions. While I am no expert at advice or keeping the goals I set, I do have some things that might assist you on your journey to … well, whatever it is you’re striving for.1. Weight loss So you want to drop some of those pounds you collected over years of eating cheap food and only working out your fingertips by playing Madden? Here are a few ideas I have that may help you.Binge eating is always a favored tactic amongst my group of friends. DANCE. Do what I do whenever I get a chance: Break it down like Shakira. If you try hard enough, your hips won’t lie either.Start counting calories. 2. Filling up your savings accountsThis is a problem that most Americans are experiencing right now. But lucky you, I have the answer to your financial problems.Sell yourself … I mean … empower yourself as the true sexual beast that you are. 3. Getting into a relationshipThis one happens to be my forte. For guys, your goal is to look big. So, for the first five weeks of school just do pec exercises and eat only red meat. I recommend the cheap burgers at WinCo; 20 burgers for two dollars is a hell of a deal if you still haven’t figured out your financial problems.Now, some love advice for the ladies. This all depends on what kind of guy you are going for, but for the sake of this advice, assume we are talking about your average Joe. Your main goal is to trick him into loving you. We may try to portray ourselves as strong, confident individuals, but inside we are just small boys excited by bright colors and soft things.4. Finding the right religion for youToo late, you read too much of this already.5. Quit Drinking/SmokingCigarettes have become a hassle now that they are no longer allowed indoors. Easy solution. Start using smokeless tobacco. You can still get your nicotine rush, and do it inside the bar.6. Becoming more socialIf you are ready to exit your cave of video games and porn and join us all in the real world, there are a few things you will need to know.First off, you will need to wear two collared shirts. Make sure you pop one collar an leave the other one down, this way you will seem like you have been vain for so long that one collar has bowed down to show its respect.Next is a good amount of cologne. Be careful because too much can keep people from enjoying your company. It is more often than not acceptable to be using cologne to cover up your true man smell, so don’t shower for a while (three to 12 days) and hose your private areas down with a generous portion of Axe body spray. Now you are ready to hit the clubs and turn heads with your brand new swagger.I hope by now you all have realized that everything in here is a facetious story imagined in minutes, all while not considering the consequences of what I was writing. I hope I have not ruined my writing career with this one, and implore you once again to not follow through with any of these options. Should you follow this advice, do not be surprised when you find that even your own reflection will avoid eye contact.—-Contact the Daily Reveille’s opinion staff at [email protected]