Most people will tell you the pinetree aroma of Christmas or the food coma following a Thanksgiving feast make these the best holidays.Actually, Lent is the best season.You would think only Catholics love it. Lent is the time when they can be perfect for a couple of months to show the pope or their parents how pure they are.As if God is still some super-human in the sky with a notepad, taking notes on every human’s tick.But everyone else takes part in the “holiday” for some strange reason. First of all, it’s not a holiday. You’re giving up something to show your love for God. You’re basically saying, “Hey, I can do without this, because God gave up everything for me so I can be saved. Hooray for Him!”But you never really give up anything big at each stage of maturity.As a child, you give up eating Twizzlers, Skittles and maybe stop beating the life out of your little brother so often.As a teenager, you give up cussing every other word or looking at that girl’s chest in math class.As a college student, it’s smoking weed.All of the sudden, everyone and his mother becomes more saintly. But it’s all a crock. You know it. I know it. You’re only kidding yourself.This is why I love Lent. I don’t make any promises to myself. I just watch and listen to other people tell me what they will give up for the Almighty.Then I watch them fail.Like the girl at Walk-On’s. On Fat Tuesday, she says, “You know what? I’m giving up beer for Lent, because, like, that’s what Jesus would want me to do. Burp.”Then midnight rolls around, and it’s now Ash Wednesday. The same girl is downing tequila shots, prompting me to ask, “What about this deal you just made with God?””Oh, he’s like gonna be totally cool with it,” she replies. “I mean, plus, I told myself, I’ll limit myself to only two mixed drinks a night.”
Isn’t that great? Not even one minute into Lent, and this one is reneging on her offer!Just imagine Tom Sizemore in this situation.”This Lent, I’m gonna give up crack rocks, beating up Heidi Fleiss,” Sizemore says to himself in a mirror, “and also get a role in a direct-to-video film with Steven Seagal.”The next day, he’s driving back to rehab to meet with Dr. Drew.
Then, there’s the guy that gives up sex for Lent because he still thinks Josh Hartnett is cool. Also, his ex-girlfriend convinced him that “40 Days and 40 Nights” wasn’t that bad of a movie.That guy sweats when he orders lunch at Subway. College becomes high school all over again as he walks up to get his test paper. He walks crouched down, but everyone knows.Then the redneck exclaims, “Dude’s got a boner.” Poor girl at Walk-On’s. Poor Tom Sizemore. Poor guy with boner.They never learned any lessons growing up. They just keep setting themselves up for blasphemy, the big letdown.That time when you think to yourself, “I would love a drink right now.” In Tom Sizemore’s case, “I would love to beat Heidi Fleiss right now.” In the boner guy’s case, “I would love to watch some porn right now.”
That’s why I never give up anything for Lent. I’m not going to shame myself so the man upstairs can make a note of it. I keep on being a belligerent bastard.Because God (if he is out there) has a sense of humor. He’s not making notes about every human’s actions. He’s drawing comic strips and listening to Duke Ellington.Every once in a while, he looks down at everyone, laughs, then sighs to himself, “Jesus.”Matthew Sigur is a 22-year-old mass communication senior from West Monroe. Follow him on Twitter @ TDR_msigur.—-Contact Matthew Sigur at [email protected]