Say it ain’t so, Joe. I can see Russia from my house. Thanks but no thanks on that bridge ta’ nowhere.If you don’t know who said any of these things, you probably don’t watch television. It’s Sarah Palin, one of the most plain-spoken, polarizing and gosh-darn energetic figures to hit the political scene in decades.Palin’s unique brand — her folksy speech, good old-fashioned values and delightful glee in bashing the Washington establishment — makes her a media darling, the subject of countless biopics and a volume of analysis heavy enough to kill a moose (from a helicopter, of course).Those who like her love her. Those who dislike her hate her. Those who don’t care either don’t exist or don’t have electricity.Whatever your opinion about Palin, it’s impossible to deny she found a formula that interests America. The reason is simple: She’s quite the character.By that I mean she’s quite the fictional person. The smiling, good-old-fashioned hockey mom identical to every other suburban, freedom-loving American we see on television is a carefully constructed, elaborate ruse designed to milk every inch of publicity from a gullible public — a public desperate for someone, anyone in the political arena who cares about them.The evidence to this fact is overwhelming but is best exemplified by a copy of her speaker’s contract found by students at California State University last week. The stipulations in her contract reveal a pampered diva who seems far removed from anything remotely approaching an average American.Among other demands are strict standards of air travel. If she flies commercial, she absolutely must be in first class, while private jets must be Lear 60 or larger. She also has strict standards for drink consumption — Palin’s contract demands she have bendy straws. No one is permitted to ask for an autograph.This doesn’t even touch speaker fees that can reach as much as $100,000 per event — money swelling the already tremendous fortune she has amassed through her book sales.Is Palin the only political leader who projects a self-image distinctly different from her real identity? Of course not. As a political communication major, I’ve been taught how to manipulate the press to change a person’s character. It’s part of the art of political maneuvering.But what makes Palin’s charade especially cringe-worthy and reprehensible is that her entire political credibility is rooted in and irrevocably based on her personal character. The argument for electing Palin is that she is an American just like you and me, willing to challenge the Washington bureaucrats who don’t represent real American values.Hey, real Americans, would you refuse speaking honors because the private plane provided wasn’t big enough? Would you not take the time out of your day to sign autographs for other everyday Americans who respect your work? Would you, as Palin does, constantly maintain a legion of security agents to keep you the hell away from said everyday Americans?I sure wouldn’t. But then again, I’m not famous.The simple truth is no human being who is the subject of this much adoration and revulsion can really be in touch with the average citizen. Nobody who causes Fox News’ ratings to skyrocket by merely making a short appearance can really claim to represent normal people’s values. Nobody who is praised daily by the most elite of the media can really speak for the people who would consider it an honor to just be in the frame when she gives a speech.Disingenuous human characters are nothing new to the American entertainment industry — in fact, one might say they are the American entertainment industry. But voters should not, cannot and will not vote for a character to lead them.Supporting Palin based on her positions on policy and expertise is one thing — though given the evidence that she doesn’t read newspapers, doesn’t give real press briefings, knows one Supreme Court decision, outright quit her governorship and, according to the speaker’s contract, absolutely refuses to take unscreened questions from the audience, such support would be questionable.One thing is certain: No one should vote for her because she represents the average American — because she doesn’t, gosh darn it.Matthew Albright is a 21-year-old mass communication junior from Baton Rouge. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_malbright.– – – -Contact Matthew Albright at [email protected]