As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a grown-up. To me, being an adult was better than being the president of the United States. A lot of kids had hardwood dreams, maybe even thought about being an astronaut. Me? I wanted a wife, kids, house, car and a stable job. Fifteen years later, and I want the same things.     Some would blame idle idols. Others would say I was molded at a young age in a religion I relied on and got caught up in superstition. But the thing is I am now a grown-up gambling on two not-that-successful career choices. Thing is I’m as happy as a caffeinated clown who just made a child cry during his fifth birthday. So how did I make it? To which I’ll respond, “What kind of arrogant question is that? But, if you insist.”Never let them see you sweat. The moment you complain, the moment you ask a breathy question then sigh, the moment you cup your face in hopes that when you remove your hands you’ll be in Candyland, those are the moments hateful bastards revel in like fat pigs in slop. We’re all self-conscious — I’ll be the first to admit it. Then, when your teacher gives you a 20-page assignment due on dead week, you can look her in the face and ask, “So, can I sleep with my interviewee?” Because if you don’t want to give a damn, don’t give a damn. But don’t act like you give a damn — that’s being damn inconsiderate. Ain’t life tricky?No matter how hard you try, not everyone is going to like what you like. Try as you might to shove the loaf of wheat bread that is Pretty Lights or “The Boondock Saints” down the throats of your friends. Millions of people will hate it. Better to learn this now than 50 years down the road. Nobody wants to be the 70-year-old English teacher who gardens by herself. Nobody wants to listen to Pete Fountain all alone while wondering why her husband left. Meanwhile, the rest of the family hates spending time with her. But if you must know, The Replacements’ “Favorite Thing” is one of the best songs ever made. Beck’s “Odelay” is one of the best albums. “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” is the best movie from the last decade. “Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job” is the best television show since “Seinfeld.” See, it’s all about walking the line. Say R-rated jokes around your friends, PG-rated jokes around attractive women. Dress down every once-in-awhile, but don’t make Sperry’s, shorts, tie-dyed shirts or sunglasses part of your everyday uniform. Love is a mixed metaphor. Hate is a reminder of past loves. Indifference is the last resort after being strung out on both. But don’t write this in the little box under your profile picture on Facebook. The sooner you realize college life / meeting people / growing up is all one big patience-trying joke, the sooner you’ll be able to laugh at the smallest things. We all wanted to be grown-ups. Now, it’s here. All you ever wanted is spinning on a microwave plate, heating up like leftovers. What are you going to do? It’s your choice now, because this wide-eyed kid has spewed all the nonsensical advice he can.  Cue the opening notes of “Here Come the Warm Jets.” Matt Sigur is a 22-year-old mass communication senior from West Monroe. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_msigur.—–Contact Matt Sigur at [email protected]