Twitter is a useless, big, fat waste of my time.
I created a Twitter account after all the CNN anchors kept talking about how important it was. I figured I’d see what the fuss was about because I’d heard absolutely zero other people talk about Twitter.
After a while, I decided it was essentially a lazy man’s Facebook status update and deleted my account. Before it would let me leave, Twitter told me vehemently there was no going back and asked if I was sure I wanted to get rid of every single Tweet I’d ever Tweeted.
Yes, Twitter, I said. I feel like I can part with those useless 140-character-or-less musings about coloring my hair at home, stuff my dog did and jokes only my boyfriend would get.
Irony: I was told the very next day a Twitter account was required as part of my job as a Daily Reveille Opinion Columnist.
The powers that be feel, as many old-school newsy types do, that Twitter is the future of news and the voice of the people.
God help us all if that’s true.
But I’m pretty sure it’s not. I’ve come up with a short list of reasons people use (and presumably like) Twitter. And none of those reasons really make it worth my while, or most people’s for that matter — especially when there are far better options (Facebook, e-mail, RSS feeds, etc.).
People use Twitter because:
1. They have to.
I know a total of 24 real people who have Twitter accounts, and 12 of them are Reveille opinion columnists. The remainder of accounts I follow are not actual people — with the exception of Joel McHale, Lady Gaga and shitmydadsays. Twitter is rife with organizations looking to promote their products or Web sites. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I personally prefer to join someone’s e-mail list if I give a crap about what they do.
Celebrities are also very involved with Twitter. This is as much a marketing tool for a celebrity’s “brand” as it is for their actual persona. Celebrities have lots of followers, and their Tweets make major news.
That’s fine too, but most celebrity Tweets consist of mundane details and uninteresting observations, and I can barely tolerate those from people I actually know. I have no reason to care about Tom Hanks getting his scooter license.
2. They are idiots.
Take a look at trending topics at any given moment. As I write this, the topics include five people I’ve never heard of, two racist catchphrases, and some stuff about the Olympics. I see a bunch of Tweets from teenagers and bots when I click on the trending topics.
Teenagers and bots are stupid, and no one cares about either of them.
3. They live in countries with criminally oppressive governments or are the victims of disastrous circumstances and have literally no other media outlet.
See: Iran, China, Haiti.
OK, you can use Twitter as a kind of international 911. I’ll give you that one.
4. They are “newsies.”
News organizations <3 Twitter. They feature replies from their followers, and they report crap from Twitter alongside crap from the Associated Press.
This constant, pathetic, failing attempt at relevancy is probably what keeps me from watching major news networks and reading major newspapers (well, that and monster bias).
It’s also one reason why these forms of media are dying. Actual relevancy is a hard thing to achieve. It’s kind of like trying to be cool in high school. When you try too hard, it turns people off.
Twitter does not make you cool, interesting or relevant. It makes you look like someone’s mom doing the Macarena at a wedding – hopelessly, embarrassingly out of touch.
 
Sara Boyd is a 23-year-old general studies senior from Baton Rouge. Follow her on Twitter @TDR_sboyd.