It’s that time of year again.
The end of the semester is upon us, along with the chance to evaluate everything students have learned the Last few months.
And I’m conducting a final review of my own, from an opinion columnist’s perspective. Rather than quizzing you on what my pop culture commentaries have tried to accomplish, I’ll be sharing what you, dear readers, have taught me about myself.
Your comment have surprised even me sometimes. So here you have it — my top-five darkest secrets, according to readers:
No. 5: I AM A TROLL.
Somewhere between defying the blind — or perhaps deaf — fandom of cultural juggernauts like Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift and “Glee,” I earned the reputation of being a troll. But if a pop culture columnist can’t question these puzzlingly ubiquitous trends without being called the “T-word,” then I’m proud to take the title.
No. 4: I AM A TROLL-FEEDER.
When I’m not busy “trollin'” myself, I spend my time feeding those online creatures everyone loves to hate. I think we can all agree the trolls who roam Internet discussions are pests, but ignoring a problem and its source won’t make it go away. I’m merely addressing most readers by the name they prefer to be called: the collective “anonymous.”
No. 3: I HAVE NO CULTURE.
It’s true, folks: Your chief pop culture columnist has no appreciation for “the arts.”
Well, actually, it’s only true if one must be a “Gleek” to recognize musical ability. The show’s cast may very well have Broadway-caliber talent among them, but it’s hidden in the lip-synced, AutoTuned performances. True stars can make the transition from the stage to the screen, but in this case, the theatricality comes off as overdone.
Also, the term “culture” is too subjective to be considered an acquirable object. The word has been broadly defined, but a culture is basically a collection of shared meanings in our society. In an age of individualism, however, we all gravitate to our own subcultures. It’s virtually impossible for an entire populace to agree unanimously on a cultural ideal — it doesn’t mean the dissenters “have no culture.”
No. 2: I’M JEALOUS OF TAYLOR SWIFT.
This assertion comes from the age-old, catty misconception that a woman cannot objectively criticize another woman without envy as the underlying motive.
I only wish my accusers had specified what I supposedly covet: Swift’s awe-inspiring vocal skills, sophomoric songwriting or more lyrical bad-breakups by the age of 20 than I’ll ever have.
At least the subject of jealousy segues into my No. 1 deepest, darkest secret.
No. 1: I AM A PENIS-ENVYING FEMINIST.
This one’s a personal favorite, perhaps because it’s partially true.
I discovered my “penis envy” in a discussion about my Oct. 12 challenge to several immature members of our student section.
For the record: I would’ve written the column if the improvised chants mentioned any reproductive organs, whether they belonged to a man, woman or tiger.
Men, women and children should enjoy Tiger Stadium equally. This means implementing cheers every attendee can participate in — not just guys. Female fans should be neither silent nor commanding opponents to “suck” something they don’t have. Parents also shouldn’t have to explain “the facts of life” at a football game.
If the above beliefs pertain to feminism — which is simply about equality — so be it.
As you can see, this column was meant to clarify or debunk certain readers’ impressions of me based on my columns. At least people are reading, considering what I have to say and providing feedback. A writer couldn’t ask for much more.
Retired Times-Picayune columnist Angus Lind once advised journalists to alienate at least 5 percent of their readership annually. After 20 years, he mused, they’d have practically no readers left and could write whatever they wanted without fear of hate mail and other backlash.
Lind never detailed this alienation process, but I wonder if it involves having a Slushie thrown in my face.
Kelly Hotard is a 19-year-old mass communication sophomore from Picayune, Miss. Follow her on Twitter @TDR_khotard.
 
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Contact Kelly Hotard at [email protected]