In recent years, students may have noticed their classmates carrying brooms around campus.
To the untrained eye, these broom-wielding students might seem to have a unique obsession with cleaning — or maybe they’re Halloween witches and warlocks.
But some investigating and a trip to the field behind Blake and Acadian halls reveals the truth — these students are actually wizards, a much different kind of magical being.
They pretend to fly around the field in a game called Quidditch, shouting in Parseltongue, a code language only speakable by the chosen ones. The wizards search for an enchanted golden object called the “snitch” during the chaotic game.
The goal of these wizards is unknown to many, but there is much speculation that they are actually magical terrorists planning to take over football in the U.S.
What may seem like a club for fans of the fantasy series Harry Potter is actually a widespread group across the world.
According to the International Quidditch Association’s website, terrorist cells of Quidditch organizers have sprung up in more than 400 colleges and 300 high schools around the world, and they plan to “bring magic back to the communities” — black magic, that is.
Rumors have been floating around that these dirty wizards are conspiring to use spells on Les Miles in an attempt to acquire Tiger Stadium for their rituals.
Some even speculate that the sorcerers have already cursed Miles with the Confundus Charm, which befuddles the victim. The idea came about after numerous instances where Miles seemed to believe he should, in fact, disregard the game clock during fourth-quarter drives.
But the new fear goes beyond confounding. Some believe the wizards will try another spell, Evanesco, the vanishing spell, on the entire football team.
Then they may use a Transfiguration spell on Miles, changing him into a cow so he can eat all the grass he wants.
With no football team to utilize Tiger Stadium, the Quidditch team may plan to take over Death Valley and change the name to Voldemort Valley.
“That’s terrible! What happens next?” students might ask.
It may be a long shot, but Voldemort Valley may just become the new home of the Quidditch World Cup.
After the wizards see the damage they can bring to college football, they might fly on broomsticks around the country taking over all of college football.
Without college football, professional football will die out quicker than the XFL.
The devastation this new sport can bring to the nation is unparalleled.
Imagine a world with people flying around on broomsticks and using spells to get what they want. Imagine the loss of sports around the nation to the ridiculous pastime they call “Quidditch.”
But wait — Quidditch is imaginary. Or is it?
 
Chris Grillot is a 19-year-old mass communication and English major from New Orleans. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_Cgrillot.
 
 
 
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Contact Chris Grillot at [email protected]