Sept. 11 marked a milestone in my “academic” career at LSU.
My trip to Nashville completed my tour of the Southeastern Conference. In my four-plus years on campus, I haven’t exactly excelled in the classroom or joined a bunch of clubs, but I have attended 54 of 55 football games. Forgive me for missing the 2010 Capital One Bowl. What a football clinic the squad put on in the slop in Orlando this January — not exactly a New Year’s Day hangover cure.
With every school in my memory bank, I’ve decided to rank them. My carefully calculated formula includes the tailgating atmosphere, stadium noise, bars and overall uniqueness. We’ll start at the bottom.
12. Starkville, Miss. — The bar scene and tailgating in “The Junction” leaves a lot to be desired. Add the cowbells and the 152-foot-wide jumbotron that fits in Davis Wade Stadium about as well as Paris Hilton in, well, Starkville, and you’ve got our cellar dweller.
11. Lexington, Ky. — I had a blast at Keeneland betting on horses, but after that, there’s not much going on. The big blue faithful were much more concerned with their mediocre then-Billy Gillispie-led basketball team scrimmaging at midnight Friday than they were with football taking on No. 1 LSU in 2007. They used a trumpet, a la the racetrack, to call the Wildcats on to the field. Weak.
10. Gainesville, Fla. — Ben Hill Griffin Stadium is the loudest stadium I’ve encountered, but other than that, Gainesville is middle of the pack. The Swamp, a bar off campus, is fun, but it’s always packed. The campus on game day sounds like a library and looks like Tim Tebow threw up everywhere. I’ve never seen more jerseys in my 22 years.
9. Little Rock, Ark. — The Tigers don’t play in Fayetteville, so my three Little Rock trips will have to suffice. Hog fans can tailgate. It’s a festive atmosphere, and the smell of food is in the air. War Memorial Stadium is an absolute abomination to SEC football, but the Razorback faithful get it rocking. I can’t say that calling the hogs has grown on me in the past five years, but from the small taste I get from Little Rock, I can see the potential of a weekend in Fayetteville.
8. Columbia, S.C. — South Carolina offers the most unique tailgating venue in my travels around the league, The Cock-a-boos. It’s a hollowed-out train a stone’s throw from Williams-Brice Stadium. Groups rent out the individual cars and install couches, TVs and bars. It’s a great place to tailgate. The atmosphere in the stadium was underwhelming. I can only tolerate so much “Sandstorm,” jumping and towel waving. The trip to Columbia made me realize that USC may never make the climb out of mediocrity.
7. Nashville, Tenn. — Nashville is awesome. Every bar I entered was a blast — it’s safe to say that’s why people attend Vanderbilt. Commodore football is a travesty. I literally saw more Ohio State fans — three  — than Vandy fans before 3 p.m. The “jumbotron” looks like an iPhone propped up above the end zone. There is no excuse for the visiting LSU team to have more fans in attendance than the home team. C’mon, Vandy.
6. Knoxville, Tenn. — The Vol Navy is a great tailgating tradition, and Neyland Stadium is intimidating but crowded. If you can stomach “Rocky Top” 137 times before halftime and that nauseating orange, then Knoxville is a nice trip.
5. Oxford, Miss. —  Oxford gets a bad rap. The bars in The Square close an hour early, and you can’t buy cold beer anywhere in the town, but there is plenty of fun to be had. “The Grove” is overrated because no one is cooking. Finger foods and chandeliers don’t scream football — at least not to me. The stadium has a high   school feel, but the bar scene and co-eds push Oxford into the top five.
4. Baton Rouge — Tiger fans   tailgate better than anyone. Crowd noise is right at the top, and the Golden Band From Tigerland is top in the league. The city is the root of LSU’s shortcomings. Tigerland is pretty pathetic. Small, dark, loud holes-in-the-wall get old pretty quickly. I love  Baton Rouge, but it doesn’t top my list.
3. Auburn, Ala.  — Skybar is the best bar in the SEC. Game day on campus is electric, and the stadium gets going, especially when the eagle flies in before kickoff. The piped-in music is a negative in my book, but I’ve been impressed with little ol’ Auburn in my time there.
2. Tuscaloosa, Ala. — Say what you want about Bama fans, but they love their football. Music and delicious aromas fill the air all day, and it’s just as intense inside the stadium. Rammer Jammer is the coolest chant in the league. Before you disagree, tell me the Tiger students wouldn’t jump all over the chance to yell, “Hey BAMA!! We just beat the hell outta you!” That’s what I thought.
1. Athens, Ga. — The town blows the others away. Downtown Athens is block after block of bars and restaurants, none of which charge cover. Late-night food is aplenty, and everything is a cheap cab ride away. Tailgating takes on a more bar-oriented feel. There is parking lot tailgating, but most head downtown to watch the games and have a few drinks. The stadium is probably sixth loudest or so, but it’s loud enough to keep the top spot overall.
Now that I have every school checked off the list, maybe I can mix in some class and get a degree. Maybe not.
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Contact Hunt Palmer at [email protected]