The unmistakable scent of cheap cologne, faces still moist and brown from ass-kissing, and button-downs stained with vomit is wafting in the pre-fall winds, and we all know what that means.
No, not rush, bromosapiens. It’s election season in Louisiana, when democracy rears her reptilian face and pimpled ass for the electorate to celebrate in the name of freedom, equality and the right to political impotence.
Previous seasons have produced mud-slinging classics, and the highlights are more exhilarating than a full-on double rainbow.
There’s the 1999 Insurance Commissioner race between Allen Boudreaux and Jim Brown, in which the latter, a convicted felon, called the former — you guessed it — a felon.
In fact, Brown was the third consecutive state insurance commissioner sent to prison, preceded by Douglas Green and Sherman Bernard. Talk about a devil’s threesome.
It gets worse. The 1991 gubernatorial election was contested between convicted felon Edwin Edwards and former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke. No witty comments are required here.
And any discussion of Louisiana political corruption would be remiss without mention of names like Huey Long, Bill Livingston and William Jefferson, only further smearing the skid mark left by the state’s political incontinence.
There are countless other state elections when the choices provided were less than stellar. Voters are usually forced to choose between the lesser of two evils, or as South Park so eloquently dictates, a “giant douche” and a “turd sandwich.”
The GD vs. TS component has found its way into yet another election season. The Louisiana candidates for U.S. Senator, the state’s biggest election in 2010, fit these categories impeccably.
Let’s start with David Vitter, who is the turdiest of turd sandwiches.
The most obvious criticism of Vitter is the giant fudge dragon of the well-renowned D.C. Madam scandal. According to CBS News, Vitter, in Congress at the time, and a number of other political big-wigs were connected to a Washington, D.C.-area prostitution ring.
Vitter, who first entered Congress as a replacement for the affair-tainted Livingston, also allegedly visited a similar Canal Street Madam, with prices ranging up to $300, according to The Times-Picayune.
Who says your tax dollars don’t get put to good use?
Then again, the potential sales tax revenue all the condoms purchased to fully satiate our senator’s libido may make him a fiscally responsible choice, indirectly.
However, rubbers may not have been used at each encounter, because the sex scandal was soon followed by some personal difficulty with aides.
Enter Brent Furer, a former Vitter aide who resigned after ABC News revealed his criminal past. Charges against Furer include holding his ex-girlfriend at knifepoint and stabbing her in the hand, as well as a drunk driving conviction.
This gaffe either makes Vitter, who has built much of his political career around ethics reform and family values, accepting of violent crime or completely ignorant of his staff.
Still, let’s give him credit for his bipartisan appeal. He could just as easily win the election as the giant douche.
However, previously employed poop metaphors, a dirty grin and an Internet-rumored diaper fetish make Vitter’s selection as this year’s honorary turd sandwich an obvious choice.
Meanwhile, Vitter’s opponent, Charlie Melancon, cannot be overlooked as the election’s giant douche. While he may earn the title by default, his resumé is not short of general douchery.
Consider his recent support of the moratorium on drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, which has hit Louisiana’s economy like a blow to the solar plexus.
Melancon was also the only Louisiana congressman to vote in favor of Obama’s stimulus bill, which hit the nation’s economy like a blow to the bangers.
However, the douche metaphor runs dry when considering Melancon would be a highly ineffective tool to clean the infected money-snatch that is our federal government.
The solution? Don’t vote. Against every public-educated fiber in your brain and P. Diddy’s most earnest supplications, exercise your right to not vote.
Choosing between the lesser of two evils is still supporting evil. Instead of violating your convictions in the name of democracy, express your dissatisfaction with the system by turning away from the polls.
And as voter turnout plummets faster than M. Night Shyamalan’s authorial credibility, find a candidate actually worth voting for and support him — before election season is almost done.
Then watch as Vitter and the rest of the turd sandwiches in government hit the fan.
Cody Worsham is a 21-year-old mass communication senior from Baton Rouge. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_Cworsham.
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Contact Cody Worsham at [email protected]