Mardi Gras natives may experience their bodies shifting into a primal mode of bead collection when a parade comes to town. Like magpies, we hoard the shiny plastic treasures chucked at us from moving vehicles, and there’s no greater satisfaction than amassing a collection that in turn collects dust in the attic.
For those that never grew out of their mindless bead fixation, here are some uses for those entirely useless holiday artifacts. Spoiler alert: there are no uses apart from budgeted arts and crafts. While they all function in theory as a little more than juvenile pranks and unique decor, these ideas should never progress past the concept phase.
Shoelaces
With nimble fingers and ample planning, looping wire-bound bead chains through shoelace loops would be a pretty simple operation. Strip the wire of all beads. Run the wire through each loop and add the desired amount of beads per segment. Finish off the chain with ornaments for aglets if available and that’s some festive and incredibly uncomfortable footwear.
High stakes jump rope
Stringed beads cut in half can connect to each other by twisting the end bead of each segment with the end of the next. Calculate the user’s height while deciding jump rope length, and that Mardi Gras bling can become a fitness tool with complimentary concussions. The punishment for failing to jump properly is motivation enough to improve. As Corbin Bleu’s character made viewers realize in Disney’s hit movie of 2007 “Jump In!,” jumping rope can be pretty stylish, and this rope is shiny.
Bandolier (bead-olier)
Cross-body holsters/bandoliers are the fashion staple of detective shows but are perceived as “threatening” or “not allowed on school property” in the real world. A BEAD-olier, however, is the water bottle/wallet/phone storage device of today’s metropolitan individual. Employing the same technique as with the jump rope, two to three bead lengths should be enough to tightly wrap around and secure most everyday necessities close to its wearer’s heart.
Bead bag chair
This one writes itself. Pour all those comfy little beans directly into the trash and replace them with less than half that amount in singular plastic beads. Comfort is a bridge to weakness. The look of gratitude a friend or loved one will give when they plop down on the (patent pending) bead bag chair pays its weight in beads.
Netting of all varieties
Interlacing networks of beads into a cohesive net is a pretty rudimentary process. The possibilities of that net are limitless. Attach it to a stick to handle your rodent infestation. Use it as a safety net for trapeze acts (do not use it as a safety net under any circumstances). Cast it over a boat, and catch a very nearby school of fish. Attach weights to either end, and use it in combat as bolas. There aren’t many problems in the world a bundle of beads can’t solve.
As much as I would love to see beads integrated and normalized into everyday items and conveniences, I cannot recommend any of these with a clear conscience. Sometimes a beer-soaked chain of painted plastic is just glorified trash. In the end, the best thing to do is wash them down thoroughly and recycle your glorious bead haul to catch next year.
