For many women, proposals and wedding days are two of the many life-changing events to look forward to. The beautiful dresses and sparkly rings straight from Pinterest are too fabulous to resist daydreaming about.
However, there is one part of the engagement and wedding tradition that I think needs to be questioned. Why do boyfriends still ask their future fiances’ fathers for their hands in marriage?

This long standing tradition stems from when women were not independent, and their fathers were the decision-makers in their lives until they were passed on to their husbands. This was a time when, in some cultures, marriages were seen as financial transactions, and women were bought from their fathers and sold with dowries. This practice is extremely old-fashioned.

Fast forward to 2018, where women are more autonomous and independent than ever. Yet, 77 percent of men asked their future in-laws for permission before they proposed. With feminism on the rise, some women may not want their fiancés to talk to anyone in the family before getting engaged. Maybe they think their approval is the only one that really matters.

Instead of secretly talking to your parents about wanting to marry you, your future spouse should be talking to you about it. Communication is essential in any relationship. As you are thinking that they may be the one forever, talking to them and making sure they are on the same page is crucial.

While 77 percent of men ask permission, only a little over half of bride-to-be’s know the proposal is coming. Awkward! Please make sure your girlfriend is totally on-board with this life transition before you bring it up with her family.

If you do choose to talk to her father or family beforehand, instead of starting the conversation with a “can,” make it more of a statement. “I am so excited that I am going to ask your daughter to marry me,” sounds much more certain than “may I please.” Having total confidence in a life decision is key.

Maybe your fiancé wants to be there with you, and the ring, to tell them you got engaged. Or maybe she cares more about her mother or sibling’s approval than her father. These are all things you should be communicating about before you think about getting engaged so you can both have the best proposal and engagement possible.

Personally, I want to tell my family with my future fiance about such a major life choice my fiancé and I would have made together. I love my family, and I respect their opinion. However, marriage is a personal choice, not a family one.

Ideally, my family will know my future fiancé long before a proposal is an option, and I would know if they liked him or not. My mother and I are close, so she would obviously be the first to hear if I thought there was a proposal in my near future. I would already know if my family approved, so there is no reason that my fiancé would need to formally ask them beforehand.

I am all for honoring traditions, but I think asking permission to propose is an antiquated practice. If your future fiancé wants you to get her father’s permission, do it by all means. It should be a conversation you should have beforehand. Does this particular tradition matter to her? Or is her approval the only “yes” you need?

I don’t think my dad’s permission is what matters. My family’s love and support and knowing that everyone, including myself, will be happy, is the most important.
Sarah Grobety is a 20-year-old mass communication junior from Atlanta, Georgia.