Colorless, odorless, tasteless.
That’s how the U.S. Code of Federal Regulations defines vodka. Ask a premium vodka company like IDOL, Stoli Elit or Tru Organic, however, and you’ll get a totally different answer.
One interesting ad for Absolut, which sells in the neighborhood of $25 per bottle, opens with catchy fantasy-synth music, people looking up toward the sky, intermittently watching a manned space mission on TV. As the music builds, the moon turns into a giant disco ball, and all the citizens of Earth start partying like it’s 1999.
You’d swear this stuff was some kind of psychedelic drug, or at least a stimulus check.
Alas, it’s just vodka. Even if it is “in an Absolut world,” vodkas are filtered primarily with charcoal. So literally by definition, there is little difference between the bourgeoisie brands and what the local winos sip on at work.
And therein lies the big secret. My palate is not sensitive enough to the finer subtleties of vodka to tell if the water in my drink comes freshly packed from glaciers, across frozen tundras and hand filtered by an elderly Russian woman.
But maybe it’s just me.
According to the Gin and Vodka Association, the first known distillery operated in 12th century Russia. Poland claims to have started the process several hundred years earlier, but as the GVA points out, they used wine, so it would be more appropriate to call their product crude brandy.
Since then, vodka has remained much the same. After the industrial revolution, companies hopped on the money train and pumped out alcohol fast enough to satisfy both fraternities and Lindsey Lohan alike — no small feat.
Nearly every market has its upper-class niche. Cars, drinks and dining are among the most popular, but even fitness has its celebrity trainers now.
It’s not unusual to see “premium” vodkas emerge in the last few decades.
What’s interesting about the vodka market, though, is that in an effort to combat the recession blues of the late 2000s, countless drinks like Svedka, Zirkova and Imperial Exclusive have been branded as “premium” or “super-premium,” despite their under-$20 price tag.
The new way to make money with alcohol is to brand it as a premium drink but charge generic prices. The thin margin, often only a few dollars per bottle, is compensated for by the volume of sales.
Restaurants are some of the largest buyers of these reduced-price premiums, because top-shelf drinks can be made for significantly less, saving the business thousands. Here’s the kicker: No one can tell the difference.
“If you can put ‘ultra-premium’ on your label and sell it at a low price point, you’re going to be well off,” Agata Kaczanowska, a beverage analyst for IBISWorld, said in an interview with Bloomberg.
Vodka is moving to cheaper prices, my friends. I don’t always buy vodka, but when I do, I don’t pay $50 a bottle.
Please drink responsibly.
Devin Graham is a 22-year-old business management senior from Prairieville. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_dgraham.
 
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Contact Devin Graham at [email protected]