Fellow vigilante Tigers, I have great news.
The Louisiana Court of Appeals ruled Nov. 15 that citizens have the right to make DUI arrests. The ruling came after an off-duty Gretna Police detective, Brian Rico, pulled a man over in December 2006 for swerving instead of waiting for on-duty officers to arrive.
Rico discovered the man, Tracy L. Common, was highly intoxicated and in possession of Ecstasy and $2,000 worth of marijuana. In court, Common argued the evidence should be thrown out because Rico violated his constitutional rights.
The court said Rico was acting as a private citizen and had the right to search Common.
Louisiana law allows citizens to make arrests if a person is committing a felony, and driving in a way that endangers life is covered by the highway obstruction statute, thus making it legal to arrest people who appear to be driving drunk.
For vigilantes, this is amazing news. Before, we could only set out on dark nights to stalk unlucky felony offenders. Now our job has gotten much easier.
Before taking to the streets to arrest some unlucky drunks, let’s take a look at what you may need to take down these menacing criminals.
First, I recommend a car that looks something like a Baton Rouge Police Department cruiser. A white Chevrolet Impala is your best bet, but if your victim is drunk enough he may disregard your vehicle’s model. You’ll also need to outfit your cruiser with a fake police light, which can be found on Amazon — take advantage of the free Prime membership for students and start your vigilante justice this weekend!
Next, every crime fighter needs a costume. You can be creative here. If you’re insanely unoriginal, you’ll go Batman or Lt. Dangle. If you want to test the waters, try pulling someone over while dressed as a pig — just for laughs, though real police may not appreciate it.
Then you have to arm yourself — your felon may get a little mean when he realizes you aren’t a cop.
Despite the vehement cries from Occupy protesters, I’d recommend a hefty bottle of pepper spray — or two bottles, if you learned anything from the UC Davis videos. These weapons even come in imitation pistol models for authenticity and supreme intimidation factor.
If you think like an Occupy protester and feel pepper spray is lethal, get a nice stun gun (only $14.98 on Amazon). There’s nothing like a good tazing on a drunk driver who tries to scrap.
Lastly, you have two choices — detain the drunk until real police arrive or transport him to the police station.
Regardless of what you do, either duct tape or zip ties around the wrists should do the trick, preventing your prey from lashing out in a drunken rage when his vision clears, and he realized you’re only dressed as swine.
Once you’ve got your vigilante whip, authentic costume and non-lethal weapon, it’s time to pick prime areas to stalk.
Obviously, Tigerland is paramount.
Just imagine the sheer amount of drunk drivers who stumble out of these bars throughout the night. And if you want to wait around until 2 a.m., well, sir, you’ve hit the jackpot.
Hundreds of vomit-stained, Polo-wearing bros will lumber into the parking lot, drunkenly hitting the unlock button on their keys to find their F-150s and Chevy Tahoes.
Then it’s open season.
You have two choices. First, you can wait for them to start their engines, then bang on the door. This method will probably cause a fight — gas-guzzling F-150s are prized possessions among male college students in the Sportsman’s Paradise.
If your target is angered, get the stun gun or pepper spray ready.
Or you can wait for them to drive off, flip on your fake police light and make a routine traffic stop.
“What about Shady’s and Bogies?” you ask. “Everyone who drives down East Boyd is drunk after 10