As the joy of spending time with relatives is replaced by desires for more stuff, Black Friday offers the opportunity to indulge in mankind’s most basic desire — cheap gifts.
The yearly tradition of discount shopping, corporations and product placement will kick off again this Friday, but some Black Friday novices may need a few tips to pop their shopping cherry.
1. It’s Friday, Friday, got to shop at Kohl’s on Friday.
Companies will employ a variety of strategies to entice potential customers to shop at their stores. Kohl’s recently remixed Rebecca Black’s song “Friday” to use in Black Friday ads. This is a smart move on the store’s part — not only does it show how relevant Kohl’s still is, but it also proves that Kohl’s cares about its customers. (Who doesn’t love the catchy tune and nasal singing?)
Do yourself a favor and don’t pay attention to which store has the best deals. That’s an outdated technique anyway. Find which store has the best commercials featuring Rebecca Black songs. In other words, shop at Kohl’s.
2. Adult diapers are a self-respecting grown-up’s best friend.
Waking up at 2 a.m. and camping out in front of Best Buy often has unintended consequences, like drowsiness. To fight these repercussions, many shoppers often resort to coffee. However, coffee can be detrimental to one’s plans when, after two 20-ounce cups of Starbucks, nature calls. To combat leakage or to mask an all-out flood worthy of Noah and his ark, pamper yourself with Pampers.
3. When the doors open, it’s every man, woman and child for themselves.
It’s 3 a.m. on a Friday morning, and that sound system is calling your name — this is no time for pleasantries or respect for your common man. Lines are for suckers. The truly successful people in this world know the only way to the top is over others. Kick, push, punch and trample your way into the store. All is fair in love and war, and holiday shopping.
4. Skip being green to spend some.
We all like worrying about the environment 364 days out of the year, but this is no time for small cars that get great gas mileage. To be a truly successful Black Friday shopper, ditch the Camry for an SUV with extra storage space. That 60-inch TV will take up most of the room, but where’s the space for that blender, racks on racks on racks of clothes or the new La-Z Boy? This is not a time for the ozone layer. Screw the rain forest and drive the H3.
5. Actually, forget gifts — Christmas is a whole month away, and I need some new swag.
Christmas is celebrated as a way of selflessness and giving back to loved ones, but it’s also a full month away from Black Friday, and no one is in the mood for “fa la