It is common knowledge that many women have self-esteem issues when it comes to their body image. But you would never know it on Halloween, arguably America’s most patriotic holiday.
Halloween on Carlotta Street is just as inherently LSU as Saturday night in Tiger Stadium. But unlike Saturday night football, the Carlotta party will be in full swing this weekend.
Despite whatever self-esteem issues the women of LSU may have with their bodies, the ladies will be on Carlotta in full force, dressed like whores.
It is not only traditional that women shed conventional clothing in favor of skimpy little get-ups on Halloween, it is their constitutional right to do so.
Freedom of expression, which falls under freedom of speech, protects individuals and how they choose to express themselves — even as whores.
So, in the spirit of Halloween and America, I thought it would be fun to analyze some of the common skimpy female attire in order to better prepare Carlotta virgins and veterans alike for the inevitable erotic expression of First Amendment rights.
First and foremost, the naughty nurse. This classic outfit, while sexy, is just as misleading. This woman, or occasional man, is likely not a registered nurse. They will not be able to cure you of any ailments. In fact, if you become too familiar, they will likely give you a few of their own.
This is what I like to call the “Enema of the State” complex — a fetish for slutty nurses inspired by the Blink-182 album “Enema of the State,” which has a slutty nurse on the cover. It plagues males of my generation, but I can promise you, gentlemen, these cheap impersonators will not quench your insatiable desire for unsanitary and erotic healthcare practitioners.
Stay clear of the naughty nurses. It shows they are unoriginal when it comes to costume selection, and will likely spend more time out of their costume this weekend than in it.
Next, naughty cops. This is a unisex outfit. While it is commonly seen adorning the likes of busty young women, it is equally as likely to be seen on young male entertainers — read: strippers. So just because you spot a well-rounded and firm police booty walking 10 feet in front of you, that doesn’t mean it’s the kind of tail you’re looking for.
Same goes for naughty fire fighters — another common unisex slutty uniform. I don’t know what the deal is with erotic public servants, but they need to broaden their horizons. Personally, I’d like to see a naughty district attorney. And is it too much to ask to see a David Vitter with an entourage of whores?
As always, you have the ladies who decide to forego conservative Halloween slut outfits and dress as actual whores. Approach these women with caution. They are experienced and ready to pounce. There is also a chance that they may be actual whores, in which case you should have cash because they do not accept Paw Points.
However, the ultimate sexy Halloween costume is the flapper girl. Short dress, long white pearls, a feather boa — the epitome of sex. Plus, flappers were always at the speakeasy, so you know these ladies are feeling a little tipsy — if they’re in character.
Halloween epitomizes our freedom of expression. No place else on Earth can you find bin Laden, the Pope and female police officer whose baton is part of the show, all drinking together on the same street.
I encourage each and every one of you to go to Carlotta tonight, dress like a whore and have a grand old time. It is your American civic duty. But if the party gets too crazy and you find yourself with a few naughty nurses in your bed, just remember — to prevent birth, cover your girth.
Parker Cramer is a 20-year-old political science junior from Houston. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_pcramer.
 
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Contact Parker Cramer at [email protected].