This article is purely satire and meant for the readers’ enjoyment.
LSU President F. King Alexander announced ideas to relieve impending budget cuts at a press conference Thursday afternoon.
“These cuts are serious, but it will require some creative thinking in order to tackle them,” Alexander said. “So, I started a thread on TigerDroppings, and these are some of the best ideas I’ve seen.”
University officials said TigerDroppings was used instead of Yik Yak due to the local forum’s spirited history with the University.
The press conference followed the conclusion of state lawmakers’ 25-day-long special legislative session to fill the $900 million deficit for the current fiscal year. A $30 million shortfall remains, with cuts expected for higher education.
The shortfall was caused in part by the legislators’ attempt to balance the budget in the final 15 minutes of the special session.
“One user, NotMike1234, offered the idea of creating a calendar featuring Mike the Tiger mascots posing in seductive manners,” Alexander said. “It’ll be sexy, but, you know, in a creepy way.”
Local experts predict the calendar could produce a total of $74 in additional revenue for the University.
“There are some sick pervs in Baton Rouge,” local budget expert and student government hater James Richards said. “You’d be surprised by the things you can find on Craigslist.”
A GoFundMe account funding future therapy sessions for Mike the Tiger mascots was created shortly after the press conference.
Alexander shared another idea where students compete on prominent game shows and donate winnings to the University.
“I think we had some kid on ‘Jeopardy!’ this year,” Alexander said. “Imagine how much revenue we could bring in if students competed on a bunch of shows and gave us the money.”
When asked if students would willingly donate their winnings back to the University, Alexander shared plans to torment students who didn’t comply.
“I mean, someone who didn’t want to give back to the University could potentially have their car towed every day,” Alexander said.
Alexander’s most revolutionary idea included turning off the lights to Tiger Stadium at night.
“Yeah, I don’t think any of us realized those were actually on,” Alexander said. “Does anyone know how to turn them off?”
The measure is expected to save the University thousands of dollars this year in energy costs.
Alexander and University officials did not offer any solutions to next fiscal year’s expected $800 million deficit.
Sources on TigerDroppings report Alexander is currently negotiating with businessman and Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump. In exchange for a bailout, the University would rebrand as “Trump University.”
Alexander has not offered a comment on the speculation, but has referred to the cuts as, “YUGE.”
John Gavin Harp is a 20-year-old mass communication junior from St. Francisville, Louisiana.