This article is purely satire and meant only for the readers’                enjoyment.
As Hillary Clinton’s lead over Bernie Sanders grows, millennials are finally giving up on their hopes and dreams and turning to the inevitable Democratic frontrunner in preparation for the general election.
A new poll by USA Today reveals millennials will leave their safe places and head to voting booths to support Clinton should she face Republican frontrunner and Hunger Games strategist Donald Trump in
November.
Following the publication of the poll, Clinton held a press conference outside her youth-oriented campaign headquarters in Brooklyn.
“After months of self-entitled brats telling me they don’t want to vote for the establishment, I’m glad they finally see the light,” Clinton said. “It appears I’m their only hope. Now I can finally stop paying ‘SNL’ to feature a skit of me every damn week.”
“Welcome to the dark side, my children,” Clinton howled before disappearing into a cloud of smoke.
Shortly after her conference, Clinton tweeted “#FreeKesha” to flaunt her recent surge
in coolness.
The Clinton campaign has struggled gaining millenial support throughout the primary season. Until recently, Sanders maintained the support of young voters who favored the idea of having a hipster Jew for
president.
Exit polls previously showed elderly white people, minorities and homosexuals all favoring Clinton for her “YAS QUEEN” persona.
The recent USA Today poll cites growth in millennial support for Clinton is due to Sanders’ numerous losses in primaries across the nation.
The poll also showed positive feedback to viral videos of Clinton dancing to rap songs on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” and a stint on millennial-centric
comedy, “Broad City.”
Local Jewish teen, Justin
DiCharia, said, while he is able to resonate with Sanders’ message of economic inequality, he feels as if it’s time to stop fighting the inevitable fate of supporting Clinton.
“Listen, I feel like Sanders would like one of my Reveille budget columns,” DiCharia said. “But I can’t shake the feeling that he may have a heart attack while debating Donald Trump. This is why I’m throwing all of my support behind Hill-Dawg.”
The Sanders campaign also held a press conference to dismiss claims of losing millennial support and to let people know he’s not pulling out until the bitter, humiliating end.
“The kids love me, OK? And they wanna help me stop Super PACs,” Sanders said. “If they abandon me now, they won’t get to see me make a surprise appearance at Coachella. I’ve been banking on it for months.”
Representatives for Coachella refused to confirm which artist Sanders would be joining, but speculation points to recently unretired rapper Ice Cube.
Cube’s support would be a last-ditch effort to gain support from African-American voters in the remaining states.
John Gavin Harp is a 21-year-old mass communication junior from St. Francisville, Louisiana.