This column is satire and meant solely for the reader’s enjoyment.
The swarms of repulsive and exasperating caterpillars must be stopped at all costs.
There is only one solution, and it is the final solution — larvicide is LSU’s only means of defense against the encroaching tide of evil. We are the superior species and the lowly insects of the University’s campus threaten our existence.
Every day, students have to walk under oak trees and risk having vile, spiny caterpillars fall on them and sting them. Not only are these colorful larvae vicious, but they are unyielding.
The caterpillars are willing to spend thousands of lives in an attempt to fall off the tree at the right time and hit an innocent bystander. Against such a determined foe, we will have to resort to any measures and be willing to do anything to survive.
According to the LSU Ag Center, Buck Moths are to blame for the mass chaos and destruction brought unto LSU campus. The oak trees on campus are the breeding grounds and hideout for the young.
If the University strategically targets these locations with a pesticide meant for killing the moths, humanity may have a chance to fight back. The cost will be high in both casualties and money, but we should never be slaves to the caterpillars.
Students should try to avoid oak trees until the battle is over, or else they risk becoming another casualty of the war. The attempt to wipe them out will no doubt cause the caterpillars to redouble their efforts.
If we are successful with deploying weapons here, we can use them throughout the rest of Baton Rouge to prevent further infestation on campus. With enough success, the University can finally be free of the menacing spiky caterpillars and eventually we can be rid of their evil ally — wasps.
The University can even create a market for selling caterpillar and moth flesh to feed pets and as fertilizer. Maybe some students will even be adventurous enough to try to eat the defeated enemy in hopes of gaining their strength.
The eradication of the caterpillars is the only option available but we humans must be wary. If we are willing to use chemical or biological warfare against them, who is to say they won’t do the same?
Garrett Marcel is a 22-year-old petroleum engineering senior from Houma, Louisiana.