This article is satire and meant purely for the reader’s
enjoyment.
Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced plans to accept sleazy money from Super PACs at a press conference on Thursday.
This new position differs from Sanders’ prior stance on accepting campaign donations from outside interest groups. The change in strategy follows Sanders’ crippling defeat in New York’s Tuesday primary.
“The results of that primary were a sham,” Sanders said of his defeat. “Those wise guys wouldn’t let my legion of hipsters into the voting polls!”
The Democratic National Committee addressed Sanders’ allegations of corruption by tweeting out a picture of the Senator and captioning it, “Meh.”
Sanders hopes changing his outlook on Super PACs will help his campaign in the remaining primaries.
“If the good people of America are willing to elect Supreme Ruler, I mean, Secretary [Hillary] Clinton, even though she accepts dirty money, I figured why not give it a shot,” Sanders said. “Besides, my college volunteers need portable showers. They all used them at Coachella last weekend and are demanding these showers.”
Political analysts say Sanders’ hopes for a comeback are irrational due to Clinton’s 246 lead in pledged delegates, as well as her small, hired army of super delegates.
Another disadvantage for Sanders is his unpopularity with African-American voters who have flocked to Clinton over Sanders.
Clinton’s popularity with African-American voters has recently surged due to a radio interview Clinton did with The Breakfast Club radio show.
In the interview, Clinton discussed her love for hot sauce and chili peppers.
“I keep hot sauce in my bag,” Clinton said. “How do you feel about that swag, millennials?”
Clinton also admitted to pandering to African-American voters in the interview.
“I’m not a natural politician like my husband or President [Barack] Obama, but I know how to give the people what they want,” Clinton said. “You guys want a hip ol’ granny who’s friends with Queen Bey.”
Sanders’ campaign manager, Jeff Weaver, dismissed Clinton’s popularity as a fad, saying voters relate to Sanders’ values.
“When we started this whole thing, we were all pretty decent people,” Weaver said. “Now that it’s crunch time, we’re in it to win it. Screw morals!”
Weaver closed the conference pleading for super delegates to meet with Sanders.
“Everyone has a price. We’ve been out-raising the Clinton campaign, so we can offer you bastards a better deal,” Weaver said.
John Gavin Harp is a 21-year-old mass communication junior from St. Francisville, Louisiana.