NOTE: This column is satire and meant purely for the reader’s enjoyment.
On Saturday, Beyoncé seized the Internet’s Iron Throne from Kim Kardashian’s natural assets by releasing her second surprise visual album, “Lemonade.”
Since then, numerous prominent singers, actors and politicians have attempted to make headlines of their own, with Ted Cruz even naming The Blaze reporter Tomi Lahren as his vice presidential candidate.
“I don’t know if you guys saw Tomi’s rant about Beyoncé’s Super Bowl performance, but I bet you’re all going to see what she has to say about this liberal ‘Lemonade’ nonsense,” Cruz said.
Cruz forbade Lahren from commenting because he doesn’t believe women should speak.
The force encouraging thirsty individuals to unite for this not-so-charitable cause is notorious seller of souls, Kris Jenner.
“Beyoncé never asked any of us how we felt about her getting all of this attention,” Jenner said in a statement. “She’s created a monopoly with the tabloid fervor over finding this Becky with the good hair!”
“Unfortunately, none of my children slept with Jay Z, so there’s no way for me to profit off of this,” Jenner said.
Referencing a line in “Lemonade” track “Sorry,” tabloids and Beyoncé’s Beyhive have desperately searched for the identity of “Becky with the Good Hair,” the alleged mistress of Jay Z.
The BeyHive has been ruthless in its witch hunt for the truth, even going as far to harass potential suspects.
“It all started when they began leaving lemon emojis on my Instagram pictures,” celebrity chef Rachael Ray said in an interview with ancient artifact and journalist Barbara Walters. “Next thing I knew, they were outside of my house in formation.”
Following their attack on Ray, the Beyhive realized they were actually looking for Rachel Roy. Ray says she is “traumatized” from the incident.
“Me and my extra-virgin olive oil never did anything to anyone,” Ray cried.
As the world searches for the identity of Jay Z’s mistress, some celebrities have attempted to capitalize on the album’s popularity. Alleged mistress No. 5, Rita Ora, said she was “delighted” when people finally began Googling her name.
Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton is also embracing the public’s obsession with “Lemonade” by empathizing with Beyoncé’s fanbase.
“Like most Americans, I, too, was cheated on with Becky with the good hair,” Clinton said to a crowd of confused elderly people in Indiana. “And like Beyoncé, I rose from the ashes and am on my way to becoming the next Führer of the United States of America.”
John Gavin Harp is a 21-year-old mass communication junior from St. Francisville, Louisiana.
OPINION: Celebrities, politicians desperate to divert attention from “Becky with the Good Hair”
April 28, 2016
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