On Wednesday, Apple held its annual fall event, sheepishly revealing hardware updates for its iPhone and Apple Watch lines.
To kick off the event, a new segment of popular white YouTube sensation “Carpool Karaoke” began playing. The clip featured Apple CEO Tim Cook and Apple’s token black guy, Pharrell, gleefully butchering classic songs with host James Corden.
Shortly afterward, Apple began to announce its products.
The new models, which look nearly identical to last year’s, featured relatively no revolutionary features, yet were the subject of much fanfare from white Twitter and mainstream media.
“Apple’s Done it Again!” read a headline from esteemed white publication The New York Times.
The newly revealed iPhone 7 features several minor hardware upgrades, including a 7 megapixel front-facing camera so white people can take better selfies, a new lens for the rear 12 megapixel camera so white people can take better pictures of their food, a new glossy black color called “White Privilege Piano” and the removal of the headphone jack so white people can show off their new AirPods.
White people rejoiced at the news of iPhone’s minimal upgrades.
Local white male and Batman fanboy Quint Forgey tweeted, “I can’t wait to buy a White Privilege Piano model. I’ll be just like Bruce Wayne — daddy issues included.”
With Apple keeping most of its other products the same, the AirPods were the only seemingly new product Apple revealed at the event.
The all-wireless, Bluetooth earphones retain the mediocre audio quality of Apple’s old EarPods, which came bundled with iPhones. But, the Airpods will allow users to issue voice commands to Siri.
“Since Siri’s introduction in 2011, millions of white people have incorporated belittling her into their lives,” Cook said. “We want to make it even easier for people to issue sexist commands, so we’re going to charge consumers $160 for tacky, Bluetooth headsets from 2006.”
The San Francisco crowd reacted to the AirPods announcement by granting Cook a standing ovation.
The Apple Watch line received little to no hardware upgrades as well, with integrated GPS being touted as the main new feature.
“This was actually requested by the Secret Service,” said Chief Design Officer Jonathan Ive. “The GPS works with the old health functions, serving as a fashionable LifeAlert so they can keep track of Hillary Clinton.”
Clinton was seen wearing the new Apple Watch model while attending Sunday’s 9/11 memorial in New York City. Her abrupt departure from the ceremony has resulted in much speculation about the presidential candidate’s health.
“Secretary Clinton is fine. Her Apple Watch said her heart rate was normal,” said Clinton campaign spokeswoman Jennifer Palmieri. “She just made the mistake of drinking too much vodka and standing in the sun. Chill out.”
Apple closed the live streamed event with a performance from Australian pop artist and wig aficionado, Sia.
“We were going to have Taylor Swift perform, but her advertising contract with us doesn’t include any performances,” Cook said.
John Gavin Harp is a 21-year-old mass communication senior from St. Francisville, Louisiana.
