After Hillary Clinton abruptly left a 9/11 memorial event Sunday because she overheated, her campaign issued a news release stating that she is, in fact, a lizard person and can no longer remain in human form.
“Secretary Clinton has been experiencing a cough related to allergies,” the release said. “On Friday, during a follow-up evaluation of her prolonged cough, Clinton shed her human skin and said she could no longer go on as a lizard person in human form.”
The release goes on to say that, once Clinton has had enough bed rest, she will continue with her campaign as the dry, green, cold-blooded lizard that she is.
“I’ve said this before, and I will say it again,” Clinton said as she ate her diet of small flies, crickets and leaves, per her doctor’s recommendation. “Lizard rights are human rights, and human rights are lizard rights.”
“What difference does it make at this point? Whether I’m a lizard or human, I’m still not Donald Trump.”
She then scurried up the wall and climbed out of her bedroom window and into the bushes.
Moments after her campaign released the statement, emails between Clinton and President Barack Obama leaked, revealing that she came out to him as a reptilian beast from the galactic empire after the Benghazi attack.
“To whom it may concern,” the email read, “I have not been entirely honest with you. I am not of your kind. You see, I am of another world. My people come from a land light-years away from here. I am actually a lizard person, sent here to colonize and rule the world. Join me as I work to defeat my adversaries, and I shall spare you.”
While U.S. officials don’t yet know the constitutionality of allowing non-humans to run for the presidency, the American people said that they really,
really don’t want to go through another primary. Some experts believe that holding another primary election could even further suppress voter turnout.
“Americans in general don’t want another election,” LSU’s political expert said. “Our turnout is one of the lowest in the developed world, and voters are already disappointed with their options. Who could replace Hillary Clinton? Unless it’s someone like Cher, we should just let Hillary run. We can figure out the legalities of having a lizard alien as president in four to eight years or so.”
“Just, please,” he continued, “Don’t make us go through this again. We’ve been through so much already this year.”
After hearing about Lizard Gate 2016, Donald Trump said he was just glad that Clinton wasn’t some sort of Mexican immigrant, though he did question whether she came to this country legally and implied that he was open to the idea of building a wall around Earth.
Cody Sibley is a 20-year-old mass communication junior from Opelousas, Louisiana.
