AValentine’s Day has always been such a commercial holiday. Every year, people spend a lot of money to give the significant other in their lives chocolates, mushy love cards and flowers that last for two days.
Instead of falling victim to conformity this year, I’m starting two weeks early and giving out Valentines to people with whom I normally wouldn’t travel through the tunnel of love, especially around campus. Cupid, start the drum roll.
Cox Communications. To that loveable new cable provider for LSU Residential Life, I’m giving something that’ll melt their heart for the rest of the year, my cable bill.
While students in the dorms might enjoy having 31 more channels and paying an eight extra dollars a month, I’m done trying to guess what time of the day the high speed Internet is going to be functioning. And students can forget trying to talk to a real person at Cox if something goes wrong with their cable. Calling the customer service number is like trying to schedule on Reggie two minutes after a new session opens.
Student Government. The future politicians of America shall receive a list of all the classes with no sample tests on the SG Web site. The site claims to have more than 1,000 tests available, yet the only subjects listed range from Accounting to Math. What about the other 105 courses listed in the course offerings?
I’ve been going to the site since it became the home page of every computer on campus, and the only test available for any class I’ve ever taken is the third exam for the French class I took three semesters ago. I’m sure to get that A now.
Larry Holder. I’m giving a copy of the book “Relationships for Dummies” to The Reveille’s assistant sports editor with the hope that maybe he can change his chauvinistic views on dating. Last Friday’s Off the Cuff (along with a previous column last semester) was a perfect example of why the male gender is usually compared to a pack of wild pigs.
Larry’s courtesy test, which involves the girl having to lean over and unlock the driver’s door or else she doesn’t ride, is about as romantic as taking your date to Mr. Gatti’s on Valentine’s Day and making her pay. If my girlfriend actually stays in the car after I’ve let her in, I consider that a good date. Chivalry is underrated these days.
Anyone entering Hodges Hall. This building has been under so much construction lately, I’m handing out complimentary hard hats to everyone in Student Media who deal with the daily sound of jackhammers. This should help in case any debris starts to fly in the area.
Barnes & Noble. I’d give them a book about customer relations, but they’d want $100 from me for it, so instead I’m giving the unfortunate supplier of my textbooks a permission slip to outrageously lower their prices twice a year.
President Bush. Although I think he’s doing a nice job in dealing with terrorism, I’m giving the president a three-year supply of gummy bears to prevent any further pretzel incidents while watching football in the White House.
Osama bin Laden. Public enemy No. 1 gets an all-expense paid trip to a military tribunal. There he will spend endless days and nights in a dank cell contemplating which is worse, no legal counsel or the Michael Bolton music played at maximum volume throughout the day to ensure torture.
Enron executives. These greedy slime balls get my best presents ever, a get-out-of- jail-free card as long as they pay back all the employees who lost their life savings because of the company’s recent bankruptcy. Many employees weren’t allowed to sell their 401K stock until Enron stock fell to 26 cents a share, yet the CEO decided to cash out before his company went belly up.
I hope all the recipients enjoy my gifts and that students will follow my example this Valentine’s Day and give something nice to the antagonists in their lives. Everyone deserves a special Valentine.
Jason Martin